Amys' World

Amys Monday

2009-08-10T00:08:00.001-07:00

Tadas:

Up.

Computer (10 minutes later than meant to be).

Made Bed.

Breakfast for kids.

All Showered and dressed

Swish and swipe in the bathroom

fed the baby

lunch for William

load of washing on

Laundromat bag filled

Daycare bag checked

Internet checked. (blogs etc)

left for daycare on time :-O

Dropped William to daycare.

Dropped 3 loads of washing to the Laundromat to have them wash, dry fold for me.

Home and onto puter for a bit.

Cleared kitchen bench

Morning Tea

Unstacked dishwasher

Stacked dishwasher

Amines Challange

2009-08-03T21:06:00.001-07:00

My responses to Amine consumption and then withdrawal:

Irritability

Restlessness

Sleep disturbances

Worsening of Allergic Shiners

Arthritis in hips

Inattention

Foggy Brain

Lethargy

Constipation

obsessive tendencies

fatigue

Foggy Brain

Insomnia

Itchiness (Head and arms)

MOOD Swings

ODD

Pins and needles

Tantrums

Back Ache

uncontrollable anger

Gee it looks even worse when I list them like that. The symptoms I have hated most are the foggy brain and the uncontrollable anger.

Patrick has responded as well.

Vague look on his face in his own world.

desire to pick fights with both siblings

waking overnight

not wanting to use toilet due to increase in accidents

diarrhea

Inability to go to sleep

ODD

William I had thought had not reacted. It seems in withdrawal he is though.

Some ODD

and constipation.

Also a bit tearier than normal.

Victoria has been more irritable, not sleeping as well, and having Tantrums as well. Although hard to pinpoint if that is a true reaction at her age.

SO In conclusion:

No more amines in our diets. LOL.

I think I made a mistake. :-(

2009-07-05T17:26:00.001-07:00

I bought some Garlic in a tube the other day (Monday I think, brain is a bit fuzzy). It had no nasty numbers on it. All the other ingredients looked safe. Except perhaps the Oil. I got it. I used it, I used it a lot even, we have used the full tube since I got it. I have used it in soups, sausage rolls, and hummus.

And now I think we are reacting. I have been miserable since Tuesday. I was putting it down to PMS (which I get really badly, and until now I have always blamed hormones for my depression). This morning I started to wonder if it is actually a reaction. I was completely paralysed (mentally not physically) in bed this morning, I just could not face the kitchen (which is a tip, but still better than it could be, LOL). Again I put it down to PMS, until when DH got home and started getting the boys ready for the day, and I could here W (my 4yo) in tears over his boots not being found, he cried for nearly 10 minutes, he has been rational and logical and will cry over something like that and be upset, but this morning was over the top, I also remembered that he spontaneously burst into tears at bed time twice this week, I started thinking... And the baby has been miserable and had about 10* the normal dirty nappies she would normally have, I thought my not coping with her was a sign of my problems, not that she had problems, but now I am not so sure.

So no more Garlic in tubes. :-( I was enjoying its convenience. However I am not enjoying its effects. We also have frozen soup in the freezer, am guessing that will be for DH now though.

What I am most puzzled about is that P doesn't seem to have had any reaction. He was who we started this whole thing for, well he and I anyway. Guessing we are going to react to different things. SIGH. Live and learn I guess.

2 Weeks today

2009-07-03T15:09:00.001-07:00

Well we have reached 2 weeks. DH plans on starting his Salicylate challenge today. Boys and I will continue a while longer.

We still all have dreadful bags under our eyes, and I would like to see them a bit more faded first. (Not sure mine will go away, they have improved remarkably, but I am only getting sleep in 1 hr increments overnight with the small Miss's help).

We went out last night with friends, and that was frustrating. We had eaten before we left, however by the time they all got there meals I was starving and not much that I could have eaten. So I didn't. But it was frustrating not being able to.

I did however have some redimix in my pocket, which I mixed in mineral water and vodka, and was happy drinking. DH had coffee as he had to work anyway. Not sure how he would have gone without beer. And it was regular coffee, he has not been able to give that up.

Everyone was tired when we got back and Missy slept 5 hours in a row (WOOHOOO!!! First time in about 2 weeks) and both boys are still asleep in there own beds. :-)

I am now off to make some soup to take to my Mothers for lunch. I am getting used to the whole preparedness needed. I am a bit cross and over it, but I am getting better with it.

Progressing

2009-07-01T17:18:00.001-07:00

Hmm, Well I had meant to update this daily or second daily. Seems that once again time is getting away.

We are progressing nicely though. We have had a few really bad days (withdrawal I assume) but the boys are now back to normal. I am feeling a bit blah, overwhelmed and tired. But I think I am also premenstrual, and of course hrly feeds to the tiny girl aren't helping.

William and Patrick have improved dramatically though. They will now eat at least some of my cooking (Sausage rolls, chicken nuggets and some soups appear to be a hit. )

They are both now on occasion asking for water to drink. William has been really good at understanding why we cant eat some other things. Patrick is doing well as well, although his age makes it a bit harder for him to understand.

Bedtimes is getting much easier, for me really significantly, for Michael a bit better.

Physically the boys scabby heads seem to have almost cleared up. Patrick was having much better consistency motions, but for the moment they have reverted again.

I am hoping to get to the first challenge in just over 2 weeks.

I have my weekend away in 1 week and 1 day. Must start organising for that again.

Will try and update a bit more often, as much for my records as anything else.

Day One

2009-06-18T17:17:00.001-07:00

Ok here it is.

I cooked till very late last night, but was able to send the kids off to preschool with healthy food. :-)

They both ate breakfast (W rice bubbles, P Weetbix).

They have gone off with Potato and Leek soup, chicken sausage rolls, and some crackers. Pears and celery for morning Tea.

I have not yet had breakfast, and when I brave the mess I will be having porridge.

Best do that.

Bicarb Soda

2009-06-13T14:45:00.000-07:00

It seems that this shall be my new friend. LOL.

I am trying to make sure I eliminate Everything! that could be a contributing factor. So that means doing the bathroom as well. ARGH!!!!

Was looking for Shampoo brands that were safe last night and found none (well I kinda was distracted as well) but I did find that Bicarb soda was ok.

So Box of Bicarb in hand I went to the shower. It of course can be used as a toothpaste substitute, a soap substitute and now I learn a Shampoo substitute.

I mixed up what I had in a little water, a smidge too much, but I got there. With it I then proceeded to wash my hair, wash my body and then also brush my teeth.

Washing my hair I did twice. There was no lather and I struggled a bit to be convinced it would have taken all the oil out (mind you cant remember the last time I washed my hair).

Washing my body, I again missed the lather. I even thought about using the lather soap as well, but managed to distract myself and forget, LOL.

Teeth brushing was a bit umm, over taste. Yuck. But I am also not a fan of commercial toothpastes and they make me feel sick.

So during the shower it was a bit of a Ho-hum exercise. I was missing my lather, and it tasted Blerck.

Post shower I dried my hair. And it is lovely and clean. And feels good. WOOHOO, one down.

My skin feels FANTASTIC - two down.

And I have NO AFTERTASTE left after only rinsing twice. Three down.

Now to convince DH.

And work out how I can make bubble bath for the boys and that's the bathroom done. :-)

Hmmm Biscuits.

2009-06-12T23:07:00.001-07:00

In an attempt to make the house failsafe we are using up some biscuits that we had. They are of course full of colours and preservatives.

I made the dough and ate some. It tasted wrong, well in comparison to the nice homemade from scratch dough.

About half an hour later I was really cross and irritable.

I cooked them and iced them (with their brightly coloured icing).

Now 2 hours later. I have a screaming unsettlable baby (who would have possibly got a smidge through my milk).

A very cross, cant sit still, going to push every button on my brother 3 yo.

And a very teary, cant defend myself, cant cope with anything 4yo.

Now of course it may just be that its 4 O'clock. But I have to wonder?

And the rest of the icing and biscuits are about to go in the bin!

For my future reference the numbers on the box are:

Bad - 124, 133, 102, 110, 320, (102, 122, 129, 133 Twice)

Other - 451,452, 120, 340, 322, 171 1422, 901, 903

Shopping

2009-06-10T01:36:00.001-07:00

Well today we went shopping. We were good and walked past most things we would normally get full of additives. Bonus!

We also got some of our 'new' veggies to trial. And some Citric Acid.

The boys have eaten some pear and celery this afternoon happily. :-)

We also made some failsafe cookies with (mock) lemon icing that also went down a treat. :-)

And I just tested them on the Magic Cordial (and myself) and we all liked it very much. I am thinking I can cut down the sugar to about half and we will all still be happy so that is good too.

We now have a menu plan in place to use up all our 'bad' foods between now and the first as well. A few things I will be giving away as well.

Only downfall was that the bread is much more than our normal. However the rest of our bill was so much lower that I think we will survive it ok.

Oh and the butcher had no idea regarding failsafe stuff. So will either need a new one, or to do some educating. I am fairly sure there is a failsafe butcher within an hour from home, and I go that way every fortnight anyway. So all will be ok.

FailSafe Diet

2009-06-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

Ok. I am going to attempt to keep a journal here of my journey with the failsafe diet.

A few weeks ago I decided I needed to do something re my depression. I thought perhaps eliminating artificial chemical nasties in our food may help. As I have looked into it a bit further I wondered if perhaps in time the failsafe diet might be worth trying.

Then I actually looked at the changes I would need to make to go chemical free. It was a bit scary. I looked at how much difference it would be to make that change and to change to the failsafe diet in entirety and found that it wouldn't be that big a difference in change. (We eat not good, LOL).

So on the 1st July we are going to go completely failsafe.

Between now and then I am going to get rid of (either eat or give away) the not failsafe foods in our cupboards. Play with some recipes and hopefully devise a menu plan my boys and husband will be happy with eating.

Today I played with a self saucing Golden Syrup pudding recipe I found to make just a single serve in a coffee cup. It worked well. And was Yummy. We have had the big one a few times but the boys aren't real fussed on it. This means I can have it anyway. :-)

I also remembered that I don't mind drinking plain water so long as it is slightly warmer than room temp. So I am starting to wean myself off the cordials etc as well.

Hopefully tomorrow afternoon I can get some shopping done and start on a few of the main meal recipes as well.

Some pics of Miss V

2009-03-31T06:01:00.001-07:00

My baby is growing so fast. :-(

New Baby

2009-03-17T18:39:00.001-07:00

We do have a new baby.

Miss Victoria May arrived on Feb 7th at 4.54am.

It was a rather fast labor. I got lower back pain at about midnight. At 3am I had contractions about 25 minutes apart. I called my DH in Wollongong (about 3 hours from home) and he started heading home.

Called my Dad to take me to the hospital at 3.50am.

He arrived and we left home at 4.30am. Victoria was born at 4.54.

Too Easy.

If you want to check out pics head over to my digi blog (link in the side bar) a heap of pages over there. I will get to uploading some of her first year album to here shortly, am doing her album traditionally and its a bit harder to get to with 3 under 5 to watch.

Will try and get in here and update more often.

Amys Big Belly

2009-01-04T15:50:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

Sorry for the rather bulk email, however just thought I would share with you the first page for the new baby's album. I got a lovely new digital additions kit from the US and just loved playing with it.

The Belly shots that Michael managed helped as well.

Wont be too long and we will have pictures of baby to share. (4 weeks till due date last Friday, and I doubt I will get that far).

Amy

Hmmm Life Keeps Happening

2008-12-04T09:12:00.000-08:00

LOL!!!!

This thing they call Baby keeps growing, and moving. And so do I. I am now HUGE!!! Well at least in comparison to what I was with the boys. I am 32 weeks and far larger than I ever was with either of them.
Pregnancy otherwise is progressing ok. I am feeling big and uncomfortable. My Haemaglobin was really low, but sseems to have recovered with some Iron. And up until this week I could manage to lie on my Tummy to stretch out my back to help with the sciatica. I can still manage a few minutes, just not the 20 or so I need.

Depression wise, I am struggling a bit. The med balance broke down. I had to come of the AD's I was on. They were starting to have built up and I was getting SEVERE anxiety attacks Every night. I seem to be coping ok without them, its been a week and a half. I am now stressed about what to do if things get worse, and how to tell if the depression is causeing more risk to the baby than the potential effects of meds. UGH!!!!

DH starts holidays for 5 weeks on Sunday. And while I think 5 weeks will be a bit long I am actually looking forward to him being home for a while. He and I seem to be communicating a bit better, and he seems to understand the need for routines. (Esp. while I am off my meds, LOL).

Boys are both getting bigger and are soooo funny. They both seem to be looking forward to baby. And of course are both very excited about Christmas.

On note of the C word I am doing ok there too. Most of my shopping is now done (need to get something else cheap for all my family). Some of the decorations are up. And I plan on doing Christmas cards this weekend or Monday. Christmas itself should be ok too. We will have cold meat and salad here for lunch after church on the day. Probably crash a friends for leftovers for dinner. Then Boxing day with my family, and 27th with DH's. All within 30 minutes drive of home. (Which is really good as I am doing all the driving as DH still has no liscence, gets it back Jan 12).

I have about 8 blog posts ratting around in my head, just don't normally seem to get time to get them out. I am now feeling much better sleep wise (was sleeping 22 hours a day with my low iron) that hopefully I will start to get back into it. Need it as part of my depression treatment with no meds regime. Also hoping with DH home I will get a bit more time on my hands. We shall of course see though.

2008-10-05T14:14:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post to let you know that I am going ok. I've had a few depression issues these last few weeks, but seem now to have got the med balance right.

Baby is growing well (And I am as big now at 22 weeks as I was at full term with W which is a bit Hair-raising.)

I recently got a new digital scraping program and seem to be spending a lot of time playing with that. You can check out some of my efforts (I've done 80+ pages in the lst few weeks) over at Amys Digi World (link under My Frequent Links over in the sidebar).

Will try and post a bit more regularly, but dont like my chances. Boys are keeping me busy, Dh is trying to help more, but not really suceeding so I am rather tired between all that and this life inside me taking all the energy it can find on a regular basis.

Ok, best go and do the morning routine (DH said he'd do it today, however I can hear him on the other puter so I doubt its getting done, we will run out of clothes if I dont give in and wash soon, Sigh!!).

Hope all is well out there in blogger world,

Amy

Selections from Sample Archive

2008-09-23T03:22:00.000-07:00

We got Pics. YAY!!!

Baby is perfectly healthy and average.

Have a good one all,

Amy

------------------------------------------------------------
These items were sent from Creative Memories® Memory Manager

Selections from Family Vault 2002+

2008-09-20T22:26:00.000-07:00

ZZR train pics

------------------------------------------------------------
These items were sent from Creative Memories® Memory Manager

DHs Train Pic

2008-09-17T17:12:00.001-07:00

Half Way

2008-09-14T02:56:00.000-07:00

Now how did that happen??

I am now 20 weeks. At some point in the very near future I will go and get my second U/S. We could find out the sex, however we wont (unless its glaringly obvious ;-)

House is still standing. Boys haven't been smothered for their mischief.

I am feeling ok. Went back on my AD's this week (precautionary as much as anything) feel miserable with nausea and giddiness, hoping it will resolve soon.

Have updated my new laptops email address with the address for this blog, so in theory should get around to posting more often. I hope.

Cheers,

Amy

2008-09-08T03:38:00.000-07:00

I am going ok.

I am busy. (So whats new???)

I do feel well again now (Thankyou!!!)

I got a new digital scrapbooking program (thats why I am not here, check out my new pages http://www.scrapwitch.com.au/community/mediagallery/album.php?aid=535&page=1 )

Try and be back soon.
Hopefully with US pics for you all to goo over.

Life....

2008-08-26T04:28:00.000-07:00

Just keeps seeming to come along and stop me from scrapping, blogging and just generally playing. I even escaped for a full weekend retreat and only got 3 7" pages done. Sigh!!!

This baby has finally decided to settle itself down and go back to only sucking half of my energy instead of all of it, and then I get a cold that is sucking ALL my energy, so I am back to needing more time, and mostly more Energy. Wish I could borrow some of the revitalised 2 year olds. ;-)

The house isn;t in too bad a shape considering how little I have been doing. Baby is growing well. Boys have been sick the last two weeks as well (W had an Ear infection with 40+ temps for three days, even with meds, and P has had conjunctivitis, cut three eye teeth (with one left coming through still) and high temps and cough like W.

We are all still here though. I am doing ok. (With the exception of nearly breaking down due to a brain failure with money at the food shop today, however it was almost normal persons reaction. And I am Pregnant ;-)

Will try and get in and update a bit more frequently again soon.

Menu Plan Monday

2008-07-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

In the fridge we have:

2kg Mince

1.8kg Sausages

1 family size Pie - Country Beef.

1 family size Pie Apricot Cruch.

1 already made spag bol.

A handful of frozen vegies.

Tortillas (6 Pack).

In the Cupboard we have:

Some Tinned fruit

5 tins baked beans

4 jars spag bol sauce

1 jar chicken mustard something

4 bags pasta

three tins flavoured tuna

One Big Tin Plain Tuna.

a tin of spag bol.

Breakfast cereals.

1kg Potatoes.

Burrito flavour sachet

In the slow cooker we have Lamb Casserole - enough for at least 4 meals.

I normally do a fortnightly menu plan and include lunches. So I need roughly 28 meals.

4 * Lamb Casserole.

4 * Sausage Casserole (need carrots, flavour sachets, tomatoes)

6* Spag Bol (Carrots, Pasta).

2 * Hamburgers (Buns, Onions, lettuce)

4 * Tuna Pasta Bake.

1 * Burrito's (Tomatoes, Carrots, Cheese, Chicken)

1 * Chicken Mustard Honey (Chicken, Beans).

Makes 22. The rest can be assorted sandwhiches, left over lamb, baked beans and tuna.

Done like a dinner. Now to refine to a shopping list and I will be right :-).

ARGH

2008-07-13T17:24:00.001-07:00

Isn't it always the way. I asked W what he wanted for dinner tonight (I dont normally let my 3 yo dictate our eating habits, I gave him a choice of Sausage Casserole or spaghetti bolanaise?) He picked Sausage Casserole. Ok we have everything for that excpet the packet mix. I'll just drop in and get that on the way home, and get the other few things that I know I want from WW. (We do our major food shop at Aldi, then get the odd bits, like packet mixes that they dont have from WW or Coles). So stopped in at WW. No sausage casserole mix. Darn, that means I need to go to Coles as well. Ok, not doing that now and need to get something inot the slow cooker for dinner ASAP or it wont be cooked. So I picked up a Lamb casserole mix. Ok we have most things for that, just need to get a leg of lamb. (I cheat with lamb casserole and put in a full leg and then slice it off as we dish up and then the rest makes sandwhiches, YUM). So I get the other bits I needed. (Well most of them, they also didn't have Instant Mash Potato, for DH, in a place that I could see). Go t get a Leg of Lamb, and there isn't any. DOH!!! ARGH!!!

So I got two cut up half legs instead. Twice as expensive, but it will make it easier to divide out tonight for making extra meals. One for tonight, divided between the four of us. One or Two for frozen meals, and the other for sandwhiches/rolls.

I am now exhausted and breathless.

Dh is being good and cutting the carrots and potatos up for me. I will then go and add the sauce and tomatoes and lamb and turn it on. He has no idea its that simple and wont take further instructiosn for fear of messing it up. LOL. He will have done all the 'work' and I will get all the praise. A win for Me.

Feeling better emptionally

2008-07-12T04:26:00.000-07:00

I am still really tired, and feel really naseuas and sick. But I feel better in me now.

Mind you 2 small boys in cloth nappies (trying to save some money) and both having diarhea really doesn't mix well with overtiredness and nausea. Do wonder if I have a touch of whatever they have.

W has just cleaned himself out. I have changed him, washed his pilchers and nappy out and thrown them in the pail, rescued another pair of pilchers from the washing machine (really need to buy some more of them) and he is on the couch watching a DVD.

Its after 9pm (bedtime is normally 7) so I am hoping he will be asleep very soon. He has about 10 more minutes and I will give in and just take him into my bed. Before I fall asleep never to be woken on the couch.

Have a great day all...

Self Pity Party

2008-07-11T20:58:00.001-07:00

I just want to hide. I am tired, feeling blergh and unsupported.

I asked DH to peel some carrots and defrost some sausages this morning. He declined and said he'd come shoping instead. Now If I could have just sent him to get the things that I needed to finish making sausage casserole, I'd have done that. I of course cant do that though, cause he has no lisence. He has lost it for 6 months. Serves him right, he didn't mean to do the wrong thing, but he did, was caught and now he has lost his liscence.

My only gripe is that it is ME that is going to feel it. It is me that is going to need to find extra money that he is taking for Taxis, it is me that cant have my time out while he drops the boys somewhere or picks up a missed ingreidient. AND it was Me that just had to get dressed to take him to work cause I needed that extra hour in bed while he SHOULD be home and not at work. ARGH!!! If he walks to work and home it adds 2 extra hours to while he is away. We moved here to get rid of that extra travel time, and now, when I need him home most, its back again. By all means he needs punsihing, just wish it wasn't going to effect me so much. I am tired and hormonal. Guess thats not helping much.

Boys are in there room playing. I am going to curl up and rest, again. Cause despite not getting up until after 11 (closer to 12) I am still exhausted.

The house is trashed, No idea what I will do for dinner (the idea of going to the shops for 1 thing with two boys in tow really doesn't appeal).

Will nap and search the cupboards freezer afterwards. The rest of the house can just stay trashed.

AMY NEEDS BY GOOGLE

2008-07-03T02:33:00.001-07:00

So from another blog (Storm Scraps) I got the idea to do this. You enter "Your Name Needs" into google search.

Mine tells me:

Amy "needs" according to Google (Someone else named Amy has played this game already LOL).

Amy needs some help drining apparently (I assumed they meant alcohol, but then realised it was a gardening site, LOL, I currently have a headache from dehydration, so its pretty acurate).

Amy Needs ..... a LOT, Evidently (PMSL, Too True).

Amy Knits - Amy needs to either wake up or start getting some extra will power (Waking up would be good, Will power to keep prodding Dh even better, LOL).

Winehouses dad: Amy Needs a break (I'll be in that!!)

Amy needs a new pair of shoes (Sure, Why Not??)

Even Amy needs gloves to touch ...(Hmmmm....)

What Amy needs to bring to Saudi (No trip planned, wonder if they are paying??)

Ok, so this was an easy cheating post, but I am going to try and get back to posting a bit more regularly, and the above gave me a much needed smile. Now I am off to get these boys to bed, Amy Neeeeeds Sleeeeeeep.........

Tired and MIA

2008-07-01T00:09:00.001-07:00

Hi All,

Haven't been doing much of anything the last few weeks. I am Just SOOO Tired. Basically I have been napping. Occaisionally prodding DH into doing some housework, so we don't live in a pigsty. And occasionally breaking up the fights between the boys.

Today I feel better. Still tired and still dreadful nausea and heartburn type stuff, but almost human.

I have managed to get our budget done for the now New financial year. It aint looking too healthy, but its done. Will reasses a few bits when we get our tax return in a few weeks. It will also improve a bit when Baby comes. Family Tax Benifit part B will increase and I think we are still entitled to the baby bonus, although cant find what the new threasholds are. Anywhere.

Dinner is on (curtesy of DH) and I will go and nap till its served. He is being reasonably good about it. I think he realises that it is still much harder work for me to watch the two kids and make a third one grow. Not to mention that I will have 3 kids under 5 at home for a year next year. With him working lots and having lots of baracks shifts.

Oh what I would give for one barracks shift, work 8 hours then 11ish hours in a hotel room on my own, then 8 hours work. And its work he loves. For that matter its work I would enjoy too. Ah well the joys of life.

Off for more napping.

Amy

Pastor Leaving

2008-06-17T03:05:00.000-07:00

I tried to comment on my friend Lightening's Blog today, and found it got rather long, so figured I'd post a shorter on on her blog and blog this on my own blog.

Not being a real religious person, although we are attending church semi-regularly atm. (1-4 times a month, plus church playgroup, and bible study in theory weekly, in practice somewhere again between 1 and 4 times a month).
I find it really hard to understand the attachment one gets to a pastor. Ours has retired in the last two months as well. I am not all that fussed. We are 'lucky?' in the sense that he has retired 'when a new pastor is appointed'. But I am not fussed. I go to church to here the sermon, but more to mingle with the people there. Speak with other regular Joes who believe in Jesus, God the bible etc.
Will that stop when the pastor leaves?? Why do we feel the need to elevate them so high???

Sure a pastor is important, I guess, but more important (to me at least) is the people. Some of the best sermons I have heard have been from people other than my regular pastor. Having said that he is a good preacher too. My DH (having been brought up a Catholic and now in an Anglican Church) doesn't like the format of his sermons. He hasn't had the chance to hear any of our guest speakers (because of work) but they all used the same format. Which leads me to beleive that one of the criteria will be a willingness to fit that format.

We have Nominators (I think, it was rather confusing, and we didn't hang around for the voting because neither of us qualify, not being Baptised in their church!) that are out there searching for a Minister. My belief is that this should be a joyous oppurtunity to have new blood, someone that can teach an aspect that the old pastor may not have been able to see. But by the criteria presented by the Nominators in the last bulliten I read, its not to them. Its a case of making it as hard as possible for themselves and getting the Exact Right Pastor.

If God is in charge of the Plan, then why are we so reluctant to let him guide us easily, why do we feel the need to complicate it all??? A Pastor leaving opens the door for a new Pastor to teach and explore the bible with us in New ways. That to me is a good thing.

Hmmm, not sure that as a someone that still doesn't really class herself as a 'member' of the church I have the right to such an opinion. But I have it anyway. Thoughts????

Hmmm Ponderings

2008-06-15T03:29:00.000-07:00

Well I have decided that I am not waiting till the 12 week mark to share with people that we are having another baby. As you can probably see I found a cute widget (despite only currently being a rather ugly blob) to stick in my side bar to keep me on track throughout this pregnancy.

I am excited and so far my hormones seem to be agreeing with me. No Down/Cranky out of sorts period yet as I would have had with my period. So WOOHOO to that!!!

Any way thought I should throw in a post to justify my new Blob in the side bar.

Doctor and Counselling???

2008-06-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

My Depression is chronic, meaning it will always be a factor. I have seen my GP previously, My options are as stated previously, medication, counselling etc. Counselling doesn't seem to work, and is expensive even with the rebate for something that doesn't help. Medication - well there is ONE antidepressant that is proved to be safe for pregnancy and breast feeding. It so happens to be the one that gives me severe anxiety. And while I conceed that many of you will comment (or even just think) that trying for a baby in my current situation isn't wise I dont really care and we are trying anyway.

As for seeing the GP, I dont believe she will have any new options. I've tried all the old options of medication and counselling and dont think I am bad enough to try again yet. Esp when past experience tells me they dont help, or work. In regards medication there are a number that aren't proven to be harmful to pregnancy or breast feeding, but again I am not bad enough at the moment to warrent the risk.

I honestly believe that the issues I have with my DH are real and would be apparant regardless of my depression. He is trying to help out a bit more, and this week has been successful. I do beleive love should be unconditional, but I know its not. I dont FEEL loved. I know I am loved, but untill I FEEL it I beleive we will have issues. We are working on it.

I need to make sure I get more regular excercise (something that will happen a bit more as we are broke and have no car so we need to walk), talk to adults, do things that cant be undone (as apposed to the housework that is undone almost instantly), have some ME time every day, and two other things that I cant for the life of me remember.

In regards DH we need to work out a routine that fits around his screwed up shifts that are given with 12 hours notice. (Now tell me anyone living with that would have issues, surely????).

We have time apart, and plenty of it, so I dont know that that is the answer. In the last 30+ days he has worked 2 local shifts, which means that he has the rest of the time been away from home for 30-36+ hours each shift. We don't see each other, its most of the problem, and I dont get any warning as to when he will be home and then leave again, so I can plan nothing. That is why I sometimes wonder if I would be better off without him here. I mean he isn't here anyway. What difference would it make???

Rambling, just want to let you know I am reading your comments, I feel better knowing someone is out there. I will head to the GP in the next few months, but in regards my deprssion I doubt she can offer anything new that I will accept. Its not so bad as to justify potential harm to a hopeful baby soon. Anyway thanks again for commenting will try and blog more often, its one of the things that cant be undone.

2008-06-07T01:15:00.000-07:00

I'm still not coping as well as I would like. I had a mini break down on Monday and told Dh I was completely over trying to make our relationship work. He was upset, I felt bad for upsetting him and its now just a giant pink elephant in te room that neither of us is mentioning.
I really feel unsupported by him, and the more he tries the worse I feel. Where does one go from there except to say ok, this isn't working lets move on before we kill each other.

On a good (ish) note I am managing to get some excersise in and will probably do so nicely for the next few months consistently. We had our car stolen and I now have no choice other than walk or pay for a Taxi. My miserly self would rather walk most times. We did get a Taxi home today after the B'day party we went to. I did walk there first though (about 40 minutes).

So as to how I am??? I dont really know. I really need to finalise something with DH, cause this is just stupid. I love him, but I really feel that I would be better off with him in another house. I shrug my shoulders as I write this. One of us has to give, and as per normal I think it will be me. Just keep on having him here, creating more work than he does, making me feel worthless (unintentionally, but I feel it all the same) until one day I cant just shrug my shoulders any more. I have no idea whether it is actually at least somewhat normal to feel this way, or if its that my depression is soo poorly managed I cant see straight. Either way, I'm not happy.

Anyway off to do some more mundane things, washing, scrub the toilet, clean the shower, you know the stuff. Then collapse in bed.

Will try and post a bit more often. Its on my list of things that make me feel good, I just dont seem to remember to do them often enough.

Time Out

2008-05-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

Ok so it would seem that my day of pity and sadness and generall Blegh yesterday has helped. I feel a lot better this morning. Even after having had to clean up Spew from my two year olds bed. I'm on abit of a roll this morning. I also managed to get some pages done last night after the boys went to bed.

Really need to start enforcing my 6 things again. Just really wish I could remember them more easily. Think I will find them, and Print them off in really big letters, laminate it and stick it on my fridge.

hiding

2008-05-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

I am in hiding from the real world mode. Years ago pre-kids that would have worked really well. Hide for a few days and stay in bed, do nothing, then one day I get up, realise and get on with life again. But those three days of absolute nothing are almost critical to make that process work.

Of course now with two smallish (both under 4) children thats just not possible. Apparantly they dont like being neglected (and neither does the law). They come and seek my attention. Both Boys have learnt my DH's love language really well and instinctively try and cuddle me when I am miserable. All I really want is space. And time on my own. Somehow today we have got to 3pm. I only need another 3 hours and they will go to bed. I've done not much today.

I have rebooted the laundry - fed the kids a few times. I showered and dressed myself this morning in hopes that it would make me feel human - it didn't work. The boys however are still in last nights PJ's and at this stage of the day I will leave them in them until bath time and then put new ones on tonight. Cuts out two birds, I didn't need to dress them and I am down 2 outfits to wash.

How does a mother manage to get a few days quiet in her own environment?? I dont want the kids to go away, I just want to not have to look after them, or for that matter me.

They are back to screaming now so best go and intervene. Must be time for a new DVD, you can only watch the same episodes of Thomas for so long.

Do I talk to DH?

2008-05-12T15:08:00.001-07:00

I certainly do tell DH what I want. He doesn't understand though. We are talking different languages. Its taken a lot for me to get to a point where I will ask for help, and I will ask for what I want. It's even more shattering to have asked for it, and then not recieve it.

Dh's love language is physica affection. If I am upset his first inclination is to hug me. Which tends to infuriate me more as I 'feel' that is a way of procrastinating doing what I need - which then of course translates into him not loving me. Sigh!

What I really need DH to do is make me feel as though loving me is a top priority. And his actions speak the total opposite to that. I explained all this to DH this morning. He says he understood. I went to the Gym. The only thing I asked of him was to have the boys dressed. I walk in the door in anticipation of him finally showing me he loves me - To be greeted by two boys still in PJ's. It absolutely breaks my heart. And makes me feel like the bottom of the earth. DH will be reading this. I hope that eventually he will get.

Because while right at the moment I have dragged myself out of the hole that grows bigger each time I feel unloved, there will come a point where I wont be able to.

I love him. I even think I succesfully make him feel loved by using his language. I need it reciprocated. Because all the head knowledge in the world that I am loved does nothing for making that hole smaller, and one day its going to eat me up.

Thanks for the comments girls.

I Officially feeel like CRAP!

2008-05-10T16:01:00.001-07:00

I know in my head that my Husband loves me. I know he tries his darndest to show me. However I feel like I am the lowest peice of being on this earth. I feel like everything else is a higher priority.

I've assertained my love language is truely Acts of Service. And he just doesn't get it. He didn't get up this morning and make me breakfast, or just deal with the kids and feed, dress etc them. Instead he stayed in bed and got the sleep he needs. Fine, I can live with that. IF something else had been done. Like the dishes last night - or the washing or just something to show I am a priority.

He did do the dishes when he got up - because I sent W to tell him to. But of course it wasn't till after he fed the cats and did a dozen other things.

I know its no tture - but I jsut feel so unimportant. He doesn't get it. He saw I was upset and tried to give me cuddles (his love language) but that of course made me crosser, and I pushed him away - making him feel unloved.

I made a big effort before he left to give him a cuddle and tell him that I know he tries and that I do KNOW he loves me.

He took the book with him, maybe, hopefully, it will help. Because my tank is on empty. And I am really struggling to push the car back up the hill today. Of course he wont be home now till after lunch tomorrow. So somehow I need to find what little bit I can and deal with the boys and make sure they still feel loved.

They are playing quietly. I am almost able to see through the tears now. (Good thing I touch type.) Will go and try and do something to prove I love myself and then just get through the day the best way I can.

Hope everyone else out there is having a much better Mothers Day.

Love Tank

2008-05-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

So right at the moment I am reading the Five love languages for children. I wanted to buy the one for couples, but they didn't have it and I being the impatient person I am of course just went with what they had.

I have come to realise that my love tank is empty. Or very nearly. I *know* my husband loves me, but I very rarely feel it. I *know* my kids love me, but again I rarely very deeply FEEL it.

Subsequently my love tank is near on Empty. I keep pushing myself to the gas tank, where I manage to top up the tank with not quite the right fuel. Subsequently 20kms down the road it is all gone again and I am back to pushing the car back to the petrol station.

I very rarely get to move more than 20kms from the petrol station and then I am always pushing the car back using most of my energy.

My Love language is either Acts of Service or Words of Affirmation. I'm not 100% sure. One reason for this is I'm not sure if I want it to be Acts of Service as a reason to get something done around here, or if that truely is something that would make me feel loved.

My Love language is far from Physical Affection. Which is of course the other reason my tank is so low. Both my Boys are very good with Physical Affection and I am certain that DH's primary langauge is Physical Affection. They help to top up the tank, but they never ever fill it completely.

I am hoping that my DH will read the book and get an insight nto why I dont FEEL loved. Hopefully it will help a bit. It may also highlight to him why I feel he doesn't show the kids he loves them enough.

Does anyone else have any experience with helping a partner to learn to speak a different love language????

I have readers

2008-04-29T03:52:00.000-07:00

Just logged into my second BlogPatrol account and found that on average I have about 2 visitors to this site every day. Now that in itself isn't many in the big bad world of blogging, but it means that somehow I have been managing to effect someone by not posting.

Now in theory I would like to post here 2-3 times a week. In practice, I last posted, umm I have no idea and am not going back into Internet Explorer to find out. For those of you that come and look and find nothing new, I apologise. I am slowly getting my routines back in place and am making more time for things like blogging.

My goal (as stated a while back) is to make sure I do something concrete/tangible and undoable daily. Not doing so very well on acheiving that, but blogging well and truely counts. So as I manage to eat, drink, sleep right. Then blogging will come back again.

My posts aren't normally all that riviting. And my topics of blogging are getting a bit numbered for here as I am now doing all my photo, scrapping bits over at my DigiWorld Blog. But never fear my one or two readers, they over there are being just as neglected as you. Well actually not quite, but my aim is to post daily there, so in a percentage base thing they are. ;-)

Anyway, just thought I'd let you know I know you are there and I am trying to get back here on a more regular basis.

Smiley Saturday

2008-03-21T16:16:00.001-07:00

Hmm Its been a while since I posted here. I am trying to keep up with my other blog and life.

I guess the thing that made me smile Most this week was the number of visitors I've had to my other Blog. I got 130 one day this week. WOOHOO!!

Now to keep them coming back.

The other really nice thing this week was watching DH complete a digital scrapbook using my new software program. He had a lovely time. I uploaded it to order late Wednesday night and its currently reading as Shipped. Woohoo. Should arrive Tuesday or Wednesday.

Its really nice to have him inspired about my business and memory preservation again.

Amy

Smiley Saturday

2008-03-08T00:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am tired and miserable, my routines are out of whack and I jsut don't know how to get back on top of it.

I came home to Lightenings post of Smiley Saturady. So have moved on and thought I'd share with you the following.

I am still chuckling over the fact that in my interviewing process to select Lithgow Showgirl one of the answers I received was really hilarious.

I interviewed a number of girls in age from 5 to 22. But the reply that got me was from a 7 year old.

What would you like to be when you grow up????

A teenager.

I spose to a 7yo that is very grown up PMSL.

Friend Link

2008-03-06T20:44:00.000-08:00

~~Begin Copy~~

This is the easy way and the fastest way to :

1. Make your Authority Technoraty explode.

2. Increase your Google Page Rank.

3. Get more traffic to your blog.

4. Makes more new friends.

Rules :

1. Start copy from "Begin Copy" until "End Copy" to your blog.

2. Put your own blog name and link.

3. Tag your friends as much as you can.

1. Picturing of Life 2. Juliana's Site 3. Hazel-My Life, My Hope, My Future 4. Jeanne-The Callalily Space 5. Colin from Life 6. Sue - Blogging Sueblimely 7. Lightening Online 8. Amys World 9.Put yourself here

And As Lightening did I tag anyone that reads. I dont think I have a great readership happening yet.

Self Censorship

2008-03-02T19:59:00.001-08:00

Hi all,

Know this blog is rather intermittent, and thats how it will always be I'm afraid. Today has prompted me to share my thoughts on Internet Conflict and then Censorship.

I was reading on a blog the other day about the fact that there is so much more conflict in this persons life online than in reality. She deemed it was because there are more whackos on the internet.

I would argue that there are just as many whackos in this persons 'real' life as on the net. She is just more available for them to impact on her on the net. When we blog we open ourselves up to the public. Our opinion is made just as we feel it, we dont censor it depending in the audience and if we do we are kidding ourselves that we really know the entire audience that visits us.

We have no control over how we come accross in words. The tone of our voice completely dissapears our body posture etc all dissapear. Making it much harder to get out point across.

But also we have no responce from our audience. We cant see them flinch when we say something is expensive to ease back off on that topic. We cant see the way they are dressed, how there hair is, anything that helps us to contextulise oursleves in conversation with them.

I mean you are not really likely to take up a discussion on whyyou spent $3000 on a pair of shoes with someone you can see who is wearing a paper bag due to finance difficulties.

Just think as you type about what you would say that clearly and definatively if you were talking to a broad range audience made up from all walks of life, that you know nothing about.

I mean sure vioce your opinion just as it is, just dont be suprised if you then receive mail from others doing the same, who disagree with you.

Not sure how clear this is........

Flying

2008-02-24T10:11:00.001-08:00

I am truly FLYing right at the minute for a change. One would possibly argue that sending Blog Posts at 4.50am doesn't really suggest this. So my insomnia has come back, but I am getting 6ish hours sleep. That really is enough.

Anyway the purpose of this post isn't how well I am FLYing, although it will be referred to within it. The Purpose is to examine what it truly means to FLY.

Things that I attributed with FLYING were letting go of perfection, keeping the house up to scratch, some indiscriminant me time, and getting help from others.

Lets look at them one at a time. Letting go of Perfectionism. Now to me this screams go to the other extreme and don't care. Both thinking leads to odd thinking patterns and then results in a cyclic depression. Perfectionists try to achieve a perfect state of being, cant, get depressed, try again and fail, depression, depressed thoughts lead to need to 'fix something, cant perfectly, etc. IMPERFECTIOISTS, have a constant battle of telling themselves that they cant do it properly so they wont bother, look around them see their failures, depressed, continues in a vicious loop. There is a balance somewhere in between.

My version of Keeping the house up to scratch thought process seriously contains some perfection issues. I saw two levels: Perfect Magazine House and Slob Dom, No where in between. A balance must be found. There is a level of cleaning necessary, somewhere between ignoring it completely and obsessing over ever tiny speck of dust. For me personally that level is that the house looks like its been cleaned "properly" within the last fortnight. "Properly" = Perfectly in my books, you know the immaculate home magazine type clean. Now what this DOESN'T MEAN is actually cleaning my house perfectly. What it in fact means is cleaning my house only to a level that it looks like it was spotless a week ago. Then at the end of the week between cleans it looks as though it was absolutely perfect a fortnight ago. It of course wasn't ever perfect, because I only clean to make it look like it was perfect a week ago. I guess following this I haven't really let go of my perfection. In my mind I am still striving for it, just a week behind. Make Sense???

Now Indiscriminant Me Time. This one is a huge Flaw. Just as everything else needs planning, a timer and something concrete; ME time must be specific. And at least Once a Week Reportable, Tangible, Touchable results. Now what that means is finding something to do that you love, that you can then see. I like concrete, wont dissolve activities. Personally for me its Scrap booking. For others it could be Quilting, Appliqué, Gardening (Personally dissolves for me) etc. The point is finding something that at the end of the next week you can look back and still see what it was you did. Now I grant that intangible Me Time has its merits, things like a hot bath, movies with girlfriends, a night out, etc. The problem I have with them, is that I get to the end of a week or a month and Cant see any achievements. my reflection tends to take place on a Sunday, so my house is at its worst waiting for cleaning Monday, if I've only had Intangible Me time, then I've got nothing to show for those efforts either. So for me something Concrete, not going to dissolve at the end of a week, month etc I can look at my achievements and have something concrete to continue looking at, touching etc.

Getting help from others, removing the Martyr Act. I think if you are obviously making an effort, equip the people you live with with the tools so that they too can make an effort that they will eventually come on board. I do think initially though one has to keep up that Martyr Act at least to some extent. There is no point nagging husbands or children, it doesn't work, and generally results in rebellion.

Previous thought processes "Grr, M didn't stack the dishwasher properly, ARGH, Now I have to re-do it, I should have just done it myself. GRR ARGH, Stomp Stomp etc."

My thought process at the moment goes something like this:

"Ok, well, is it going to be enough if he does it? No, Ok, well I will just do it myself, because that way I can smile".

Now its important to note that I don't do everything myself. If whatever the action is cant be done to a way that wont make me smile, then I ask someone else to do it. I allow someone to help if they offer. I am not making them help though. I have my own personal routines in place to maintain what needs maintaining to keep me smiling. I am blessed that I have a husband who has lower standards to me so the only expectations I need to conform to are my own. (Oh and those I perceive my Mother has, but that is another essay).

No-one else is in my control. The house cleanliness is NOT within my control. How I react to that and make contributions IS within my control.

My change in thinking of Goals and Desires has made a huge difference. If it cant be a goal, then it needs less importance placed on it. Try it! Set Goals, still hold desires but share them with the people in control of them, then go back to fulfilling your own goals. Doubt that your desires will be fulfilled in the way you want, you wont be disappointed that way, know that if its meant to be and you share it, then it will come back, if it doesn't, move on and fix something within your control.

Have a Great day all.

Amy

Beliefs

2008-02-19T19:20:00.000-08:00

Each morning we get up and believe that we will breathe - and thus it happens. I am not sure if we can fundamentally change this belief, it is well below our conscious level, You can of course try and convince yourself that you cant breathe and hold your breath and if you are seriously committed to it you will be able to pass out, at which point the unconscious takes back over and reinstates the belief that you can in fact breathe and thus you will continue to do so.

This unconscious belief is essential to meeting this need. I use this because I believe that all beliefs are in essence sub- conscious. We can bring them to the fore grounds of our mind and examine them, However we cannot consciously change our beliefs. ARGH, Wait Yes we can - I hear you yell. But I disagree, we can consciously re-educate our unconscious to believe something different, however we are not in control of the belief itself. I can say as much as I like "I believe I can fly!", but my unconscious is not going to accept this. I can however educate my subconscious on why it should believe this, well I can fly within an aero plane. My subconscious will then allow me to believe I can fly within this context of an aero plane at least.

This process is not always easy. It is hard to reeducate something that is not willing to share with you the process in which it educated itself in the first place. Beliefs are generally formed over the course of your life so far, therefore its not always easy to un-educate the subconscious. This is how we come to have irrational fears. We can logically see that something is not worthy of our fear, however our subconscious believes differently.

To change a belief in something deep is very hard. And our subconscious has issues. Mine is very slowly coming around to the concept of a God. As I find more evidence it becomes more willing to acknowledge that the thought processes are indeed honest and logical. There probably is a God. Perhaps in time I will become to believe that the Church even has it right and are talking about the God, and the bible is truly his word. But for now my sub-conscious still has far more ammunition from my life that will not let this become the case. It has wavered on occasion, however still stands by the initial assessment that God wasn't the writer of the Bible, the churches aren't truly governed by god, and that I will not be condemned for thinking such thoughts.

Hmmmm Ponderings

2008-02-18T19:52:00.000-08:00

Two things have really jumped out at me today that need serious pondering. Firstly What area of my life am I insisting on perfectionism and can I 'let go' of? Secondly is my relationship with my husband failing because I don't have faith in my relationship with God?

I have been reading a book on Biblical Marraige. Unlike most of the other books on marraige rescue (be it biblically based or otherwise) this one doesn't focus on a quick fix, or steps to follow, but basically outlines the Authors beliefs and then leaves you to have to figure out how to implement it into your life. This of course means that *I* need to be the one to fix things.

I dont like it when it becomes my responsibility to fix the problems in my life. *POUT*.

I Aim for a 'Perfect' marraige quite often. THis of course is unacheiveable, by me alone or in conjunction with my husband. Our ideas of what constitutes a perfect marraige are of course going to be different making it impossible for us to both achieve this.

So I guess both things really tie into the same area of my life that needs 'fixing'!

Unfortuanatly the thing I have come to see is that it is not my marraige that needs fixing, but my security and feeling of fulfillment. I expect my Husband to provide these things. In return I supply love and umm, love. Not really a fair deal I guess.

In relying on our partners to provide X then we will provide Y we enter into a viscious cycle of no-one providing anything.

We need to recieve X from a source which we can truly rely on to maintain itself. Apparently this is God. Although I am still in two minds over this.

I do grant that I need to start giving Y and ignoring whether or not X comes back. I need to live in indifference of the responces and only focus on my responses and actions.

This is what I need to do. So God, please help me do it.

Faith Journal Book - OT

2008-01-30T19:01:00.000-08:00

Hi All

Sorry for the bulk email and being off topic in some groups. However I beleive its relevent to everyone.

I am going to try and compile a book of different peoples beliefs to do with faith, religion and God. I am not going to make any money from this. I am just curious as to other peoples beliefs. And want to demonstrate that people of all beliefs can benifit from listening to other peoples beliefs.

What I am looking for is a range (hence the bulk email) of people from different religions, faiths, backgrounds and beleifs. I will compile a small list (no more than 10) of questions that I would like people to answer and choose one or two photos to go with their story and beleifs.

Once I have a good range ( I am looking at about 100 people at least) then I will create a Story Book and have it Digitally made and printed. I will be using the book as a demonstration for my business of what you can do with SB. You can choose to have your name or be anonymus on the page completed for you.

Once its completed I will be allowing other contributors to purchase the book for themselves. It will end up being rather expensive due to the costs of a story book. If we get 100 people the cost will be $171 (approx) I think. Not sure if a bulk discount will be available, more on that after. If you contribute you are under no obligation to buy the end product.

For people that have SB+ they can complete a 12 by 12 page in the creator and email it to me as a Jpg and I will use the full page photo bleed option to put it into SB 2.0. For people that have SB 2.0 you may choose any page from the free downloads and let me know how you want your images and text placed and I will follow your directions to the best of my ability. For people who have no idea what SB is then you can just email me your text and pictures and a colour preference and I will place them on a page for you.

Any interested parties can email me off group at amgrantham@aapt.net.au I will be compiling the questions over the next few days and will be emailing them out to the first group of participants on Monday or Tuesday.

Later Thoughts

2008-01-26T14:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, Decision has been made re finances. I will reduce the debt that we can off My credit card. M's is too easy to continue to access. (Its about $100 off the limit, so by using it I cant really get any further into debt.)

I am feeling much better about life and stuff in general. Must remember to try and not take me emotions and feelings etc as seriously in the throws of PMS. I am overall coping really well off my AD's. M said he didn't notice my bad few days in the last week (which means one of a couple of things, he is getting more oblivious, I am getting better, I am hiding it better, he wasn't home at the worst bits, a combination of all of the above). We will reasses things on a monthly basis. If at any stage we think I am not coping well its back to the AD's. I have a choice of about 4 scripts in my cupboard to try and get the right one.

I have no counselor happening at the moment. She has gone on holidays and will then probably retire. So if I can cope without her that would be much better. I think to do that I need to brain dump here a bit more.

Will reschedule myself a bit later this week and try re-writing routines so as to include Blog time and Digi Blog time. AND try and stick to the plan a bit more.

Am currently ignoring the Entre Card thing, may try and do drops once a week or so, it seems to float along ok without me doing anything.

Am also going to have to work out what I want to do with the Lithgow Show and How I want to promote stuff adn do some pre-work to get that right so I can get the books back in time.

Ok, Spose I should go and get these kidlets and DH ready for church. Which this morning is more of a chore than a desire to attend. But I will be fine once I get there.

Have a great day all.

2008-01-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

Todays Ramblings

2008-01-21T02:40:00.000-08:00

Ok, lets pre-empt this by I think I have PMS. I am teary (for no real good reason) and confused about what is most important to me in my life.

Think I need to do a bit of a life organising/decluttering session.

Or make a plan or something.

Life currently contains:

Husband

Kids

Housework

Money Management

Gym

Creative Memories

Undercoverwear

Internet bits.

Not much else really.

Things that cant just be decluttered: husband kids housework money.

Kids are currently not too stressful (well as far as having two small children goes anyway).

Housework is almost bearable. Can be rectified by following my routines a bit better.

Money - Umm yeah well needs huge reassesment.

Husband - I just cant seem to get myself happy in the relationship. Needs my effort to improve or something.

Gym - Ok, time is a huge issue; money is kinda covered, its budgeted in so isn't too much extra stress.

Monday - THT 9.30-10.30

Tuesday - Either 9.30 Circut or 6.30 Yogalates depending on M's shifts.

Wednesday - 9.30 Yogalates

Thursday - 5.30 Yogalates (also 9.30 circut if I can be bothered).

Friday - 9.30 Circut.

Home Activities:

Monday - WHB, Zone clean

Tuesday - Scrapbooking

Wednesday - playgroup

thursday - Me day

Friday - business bits, diary assesment, etc

Saturday - Work day (CM or UCW)

Sunday - am church, pm family time.

That gives me one day a week for working (plus one of DH's book of days evenings mid week).

Seriously that will barely cover my costs and personlal use in either of them. So therefore we need to seroiusly asses the budget again. Its based on M's minimum pay. Currently its out by $645. Between now and June.

Hopefully he will get paid that in overtime this week.

The big question is: Do I want to reduce our debt or do I want to keep living in the current style of life???

Brains not up to answering that yet. Have taken my meds and they should be just about to kick in, so going to go to bed, have a decent nights sleep. And tackle that question later in the week when I'm not as emotional and hormonal.

Entre Card Stats

2008-01-15T18:10:00.001-08:00

EntreCard Stats

Today is day 6 of entrecard for me.

Quickstats

262 credits in your account	166 credits to advertise on your blog
1821 cards you dropped	521 cards dropped on you
130 clicks via ads you placed	226 clicks from your blog to others
26 ads you bought	6 ads bought from you
489 clicks from entrecard.com to you

What jumps out at me is that the number of people visiting my site from EntreCard - (130 via ads, and 489 from Entrecard) doesn't add up to the number of cards dropped on me.

Two things coulc attribute to this, 1. people come and done drop :-( 2. People are coming more than once a day and cant drop. :-)

Just thought I'd share my Stats as seems to be the thing to do.

I will certainly be continueing with EntreCard, although am easing back a bit on my card dropping now I have hit the top 3 in my category. Yay!

Hmm Life needs re-evaluating perhaps

2008-01-11T21:49:00.000-08:00

Currently as I type we have a blackout. I have realised that I dont know that I can live without electricity. Now we have gas cooking, gas hot water. The only thing we really *need* electricity of is light and the fridge. The reality though is that I use it an awful lot more than that.

It took me 10 minutes to work out what activity I could do with the kids to avoid killing them without the use of the telivision. I mean that is not right. Or at least it shouldn't be.

I also of course struggle to manage without the internet. But really an hour or two shouldn't be the end of the world (it obviously is, as I am sitting using the power from my battery to write a Blog Post).

Its been well over an hour now and I'm not sure what I will do if I dont get the net or the TV back on tonight. Boys are fairly worn out, we went outside for the aforementioned activity. They ran around in the rain, I swept the carport, they fought and screamed, I couldn't hear it over the rain on the carport roof.

Perhaps I need to incorperate a technology free day into our week. I mean surely I should be able to survive one day out of seven with nothing but a fridge. Must check out the circutry and see if I can turn off all except the fridge, I mean I am not going to comply unless non-compliance means wrestling through the spider webs to the fuse box.

Might need to find an old style wireless to manage. I dont know that I can cope at all without my music (or someones music at least). That was why the laptop came on now - instead of later, I needed music.

Hopefully the power will be back on in the next hour before the battery on my laptop gives up and dies. ARGH!!!

Update: 3 seconds after I typed that we got back power. Phew.

Smiley Saturday

2008-01-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

Yay, I saw Lightning's post and new exactly what has made me smile most this week.

And it all has to do with EntreCard. (Not on this site, cant be bothered setting up another account).

My readership has sky-rocketed on my other Blog. Yay. My comments have increased (well I now have some).

And best of all I didn't do it all on my own. My Darling Husband spent the time I was in the shower the other evening dropping cards for me. He dropped about 20.

He has been really supportive and helpful in this new advertising my blog thing.

Plenty of other things made me smile, but that one was the biggest.

EntreCard

2008-01-09T01:02:00.000-08:00

Ok so the really in thing seems to be blogging about EntreCard. So whilst in the shower I thought sure, why not.

That of course means I need to actually sign up this Blog to EntreCard. Well no it doesn't but it kinda seems a waste to not sign up if I am going to blog about them.

Seems most people blogging about them are doing so to get increased traffic to their blogs. So then that of course got me to thinking - Why would I want increased traffic to my blog?? Well basically because I like the adult contact of it all. People leave me comment and they aren't in baby speak (well mostly). I get to write on adult topics in a way that adults understand. And I want to share that.

Why? Well basically because my day consists of looking after 2 rather small children. (W is 3, P is 20 months). Generally my converstaions with P consist of "Boddle - couch" "No, Bottle, bed" Why I succumb to talking in only three word almost sentances in discussions with him will remain a mystery. I mean lets face it he isn't going to learn to add in more words unless I demonstrate it. Conversations with W have a bit more potential. Although then I generally take on the talk in the third person frame of mind. At the end of the day a bit of educational adult conversation is nice.

So I blog to feel like a grown up. To have some way of creative outlet. To actually get feedback from other adults. Feedback kinda requires people to read. Which leads me to signing this Blog up to EntreCard.

Perfectionism

2008-01-08T00:53:00.000-08:00

What is Perfectionism?

I guess most people would say its the need to do things "perfectly". That of course leads to the need to define Perfect. Now that of course is different for each individual. My perfect evening out will not be the same as anyone elses' (I do have to ask - does it really have to be all that different to my spouses though??).

Ok so why a discussion on perfectionism? Because my prettys' I suffer from this. I suffer from this almost as badly as I suffer from depression. What is worse is that it FUELS my depression. I tend to only really suffer reactive depression at the moment (or should that be over-reactive depression). I of course have all the hormonal things happening, but mostly my deprssion can be linked to my desire for perfection, or my fear of it not being "perfect".

Last night I was particularly anxious (linked to my depression). I realised about 10 minutes ago, 24 hours after the episode, that it was in anticipation of today not being perfect. Today of course wasn't perfect. One can not expect perfection when involving other people. One can not really expect 24/7 perfectionism from oneself either, well not without going nuts, trust me I know, Been there and Done that - It led me to here.

So why wasn't today perfect... Umm lets not go there in too much detail. The base of it was that I was meant to scrap today, I am yet to lay tape runner to photo. Sigh. Why, because I of course set myself an expectation of perfectly sorting and organising the photos first. That of course was not acheived, so instead of scrapping I spent the day doing anything but sorting, because I couldn't foresee myself being able to do it perfectly.

The photos remain in piles on the dining room table. Left to myself without an intervention I would probably leave them there another month or three.... So what am I going to do??

Well first I am going to have a bath, then I will probably scrub the bath, wash the dishes, do a load of laundry, fight the toddler from his father to pretend to be a matyr and put him to bed, then I will of course stomp to bed because I never get to o anything for me, and Why Aren't I Allowed an Hour or Two to Scrap?

Hmm not really fond of that plan... Instead I am going to go Sort the photos to a rough timeline, sort the pages to a rough timeline, and then I am going to scrap at least 3 pages before bed.

I'll let you know later which scenario I came closer to....

Smiley Saturday

2008-01-04T16:04:00.000-08:00

Hmmm.

Ok right this second I am smiling because the boys are playing nicely togther in their room. I just spent 2 minutes helping them set up track and it should keep them happy for about another 2 minutes. :-)

I have been smiling most of this week because DH finally "gets it" in regards to my needs in our relationship.

I also was made smile by the number of visitors I have had to this Blog and my New Blog.

I will be smiling more later as I start some seroius scrapping.

Lightening made me smile with her Smiley Saturday Post. Please go and check it out.

How cool is that I worked out how to do Hyperlinks with words. Yay. That too makes me smile.

Lots to smile about. Share the smiles around.

Amy

5 Positves about my DH

2008-01-02T14:07:00.000-08:00

Recently (like 10 minutes ago) it was pointed out that I never say anything positive about my DH. So at the end of this I will find 5 positive, however first I would like to examine this.

In C's defence I do tend to say a lot of negative things, or in this case things that could be interperated negatively. I think the pre-empting over the edge post that was refered to was one in which I said about Dh reading my blog, reading over my shoulder and how annoying I find that. It was said in a sarcastic tone, which of course didn't translate to the computor. I do generally focus on the annoying bits and how we can better improve ourselves while posting. Why? Because it is the bit I need help with. I need to vent, I need feedback on whether or not my reaction was over the top, I need re-assurance that other people have the same issues. Why Dont I do the same with the positve? Well that is simple, I dont need that reassurance, I generally feel no need to share, It makes me smile and once I smile at something I tend to then move on from it. I find it harder to move on from the bits that make me cross, I need to keep plugging away at them until I find a way to smile at them too. Once I've smiled at it, then I move on.

The other thing I have recently discovered is that I prefer reading posts that are negative about something. not necesarily overly negative, but we tend to enjoy reading about someone elses issues, misgivings and downfalls in general. Now let me clarify that - I like little negatives such as people sitting too close in the loo (see This post). I like to read about other peoples challenges in life, how they then overcome them. to be honest I have no interest in reading about how good someones life is, how well off they are, how great they think their husband is.

I guess in the forum I was off topic. I will try in future to stay a bit more on topic, and not grumble there about my DH. He provides a lot to grumble about. But this post is 5 postives about my DH.

1. He provides me a lot to grumble about, a lot of wriggling room to look for improvement in my own reactions to negatives.

2. He loves and adores me, my kids and our lives. I know (even if I dont feel it) he is willing to put his life on the line for all of us.

3. He sincerly tries to meet my outrageous expectations of him.

4. He loves me deeply and always tries to display that the way he knows how. (Shame we have different love langauges).

5. He is not bad. (I mean I could have no DH, he could be a drinker (hmm), gambler, not be commited to us, violent, have no desire to improve things, critically ill, and last of all he could be ME - no way would I trade him and all his imperfections for a male clone of me with my imperfections).

I doubt that is what C meant for me to do. But there are 5 very tongue in cheek positves about my DH. I do love him and I know I am blessed. But I want people to read this post and recomend it to their friends. I know if I did a serious post I wouldn't be reading or recomending. Besides in a few hours when DH gets out of bed he shall read this post, cant give him a big head.

Amy

(Off to go cuddle DH and tell him she really does love and cherish him ;-)

DH is Good

2007-12-31T19:51:00.000-08:00

30 minutes ago -

I sat down to check messages, blog, play etc.

DH was asked to wash the egg rings (I'd done everything else, but I hate the egg rings.)

25 Minutes ago -

DH is at the puter checking my blogs emails etc.

I am washing the sink, scrubbing the benches etc.

So tell me how did we go from 30 minutes ago to 25 minutes ago?? No idea - I tell you DH is good, very good.

Depression And Why Do I Suffer It?

2007-12-31T13:58:00.000-08:00

Morning all.

Been pondering this for years now. First I wish to make a disclaimer. These are my personal views as related to Me and My Depression. Others may find them useful, others may find they don't like what I say, and others may disagree completely. Please be careful reading the following post I do not wish to make anyone feel worse about themselves, as I first did when I came to this realisation.

Ok so what is depression?? A chemical imbalance, a weakness of the mind, punishment from God for not following his word and living life as we should?? All three of them in some combination??

A Chemical Imbalance.

This is of course what I was taught as a nursing student. Clinical Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is normal to feel sad and depressed over some things (when this progresses past a certain level eg suicidal thoughts and over a certain duration then it becomes Reactive Clinical Depression). It is normal to have low periods due to a chemical imbalance (in a woman this can be related to hormones, generally in relation to her menstrual cycle or pregnancy/labour/breast-feeding) however again when they prolong over a period of time or worsen in intensity they get referred to as Chemical Imbalance Depression. According to my counselor, GP and my own educated guess I suffer both of these types of depression. Prior to being diagnosed with PND I can easily identify two (possibly 3) Reactive Depressions.

A Weakness of the Mind

This definition comes from many outsiders. In my case generally my husband. When I very first fell pregnant with my first son I said to my husband - "I am at risk of PND, we need to devise management strategies now so that this doesn't become an issue in the future". His reply "Oh Don't be silly - You are far better than that". I do believe that is one of the reasons I struggled so much in admitting that I did have depression. This definition is not true, yet it is very hard to pull yourself out of that thought process with so many external factors pushing it.

A punishment from God for not following his word.

I recently read a book which said that all illness (more focused on Mental Illness) was due to the person being a sinner. Now all people are sinners, so why isn't everyone suffering every ailment and mental illness?? Because some have found God and are living Gods way in their lives. I initially scoffed at this when I read it. More accurately I read the sentence, spat what I was drinking across the room and seriously cursed the book. I told a Christian friend about the book and she scoffed the idea as well. She said that Mental illness is due to the fall (I assume she meant the punishment after the initial sin) but couldn't be related to individuals sinning. I have had many thoughts on this recently and I believe that it may actually have more merit than originally given to it by myself.

What does Suffering depression mean for me?

Today I don't know that I am suffering depression, oh I still have it, but today I feel as though rather than suffering it, I am surviving and managing it.

Anyway semantics aside. How do I feel when I am suffering depression? A great overwhelming desire to end my life. Thoughts such as "Well no-one would miss me" "XYZ would be better off without me" "I am such a bad mother/wife that it would have to be better if I wasn't here" I also get rather irrationally angry. "You did WHAT? Moved the pot into the dishwasher,HOW DARE YOU!" Generally my irrational anger does come from a well-seated insecurity that I am not good enough. "I cant even do the dishes to the right standard, so you had to". Its really easy once I have moved pass the event to recognise the irrationality in the statements I made, the feelings I had, and my reactions to the situation. However in the heat of the moment its not so easy. The levels of this vary, I have good days and bad days. Sometimes the bad days are really really bad. When on medication the good days are marginally good.

Why Do I SUFFER Depression?

Why cant I shake it? Why don't the medications "fix me"? Why now I have found Jesus does God not forgive me and absolve me of it?

I cant just shake it because there are other factors involved beyond my "weakness of mind". I will grant that at times I *can* just shake it. For a short time. It doesn't last though. I don't think I have a weak mind. I guarantee that those significant people in my life that make the comments that make me feel that is the definition of depression wouldn't say that I have a weak mind. They would say I am stubborn! pigheaded and can do anything I put my mind to. They would also say that they don't believe I could have depression, I am far better than that. Thus making me think not that I am weak-minded, just idle minded and lazy - which is worse. I can't just shake it - because of comments like that and a continual process.

I cant just shake it because I am a perfectionist. I was brought up to be a perfectionist. I am made to feel inadequate by people around me if I don't succeed on being perfect. This lowers my self esteem and leaves me more open to the above thought process.

Why Don't the Medications Fix Me?

Generally speaking the medication does "fix" my depression. It caps my lows really nicely. But at the same time it takes away a piece of me. It also caps my highs. They make me a nice little level line to live in. Which is fine for a while, however in this life you need some "highs", I guess you also need some lows so you can define what is a high as apposed to a low. I don't ever feel like "Me" when I am on the meds. I get closer to the "Me" I want to be, but its not the "Me" I am. That makes no sense unless you have been there. Medication in my mind is a short term solution (everyone's short will be different), its a stepping stone to help you get across the river and start to rebuild your life. It can be an essential part of recovery, but for me to truly be Me I need not to be on the medication.

Why now I have found Jesus does God not forgive me and absolve me of it?

Two parts to this. I probably haven't completely submerged myself into living as Christ would like me to. This means that God will not and cannot absolve me yet. I do believe that moving myself closer to Christ is helping my depression. I struggle a bit with this. I struggle a bit with the whole church concept. I really struggle with believing that the Bible is Gods word (I mean have you ever played Chinese Whispers). Having said that - I do believe that re-organising my priorities to a more Christ/Bible like existence will help me to move away from suffering my depression to managing it. I do think that moving my marriage closer to how the bible says we should live will seriously help me and my husband to manage my depression. You know he suffers depression as much as I do, not that he would be diagnosed with it, but living with me is just as hard on the outside as on the inside.

So now the really big question. What am I going to do about it??

My Chemical imbalance seems to be resolving slowly. I am now off the mediation (open to going back if need be) in my general life my chemicals are only slightly out of whack. I am talking a serious case of PMS. Its dealable with. DH needs some coping mechanisms. I need to remember to take my vitamins at that time especially. And perhaps monitor my cycle slightly closer so I am aware of when I am reaching critical hormone levels.

My Weakness of the mind. Well this does come down to me, my thought processes and just some plain old "Get over it". Not get over the depression. I have depression, I am at peace with that. I need to move past my perfectionism issues that hold me back, I need to move past what I perceive others as meaning with the comments about depression. I need to forgive myself my weakness and grant that its not really a weakness, it just is.

The whole god thing. I need to continue on a daily basis to bring myself closer to Jesus and his forgiveness. I need to take patience in re-aligning all aspects of my life to do this. Especially my marriage and my businesses. I need to allow myself time.

I hope somewhere in there someone else found that useful I certainly did. Look out later today for my goals for 2008. They will be in line with my depression action plan.

Happy New Year all.

Amy

Hot

2007-12-30T22:58:00.000-08:00

Today is rather Hot.

No idea exactly what temperature it is like outside. Inside not as bad as outside. However at about 4pm the sun really hit the back rooms and they got uncomfortably hot. Now at 6pm the sun has moved behind the mountain and there is no sun in my back room and it is now almost comfortable again. So I guess in the scheme of things 2 hours of roasting in the back rooms isn't too bad.

During those 2 hours the front of the house remained comfortable. I did put the fan on while I lay on the bed for 10 minutes, but it was because I could as apposed to I needed to.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am thankful for whomever constructed our house in this manner to allow me to easily survive Hot days.

Smiley Saturday

2007-12-28T13:49:00.000-08:00

I am cross today and struggling to find anything to smile about. But Lightning has a good point. So I shall try.

This morning I was made smile by the fact I found a use for my clutter gift. I was given a toiletries bag, now I dont need/want a toiletries bag, ever. This one is nice, but of no use to me, or so I thought. However I found this morning that it will fit another of my christams presents - a removable hard-drive in its nice packaging to keep it safe. So now my removable Hard-drive has a very stylish bag, that holds it, all its cords (and a few more) and its nicely padded.

Why does my harddrive need a portable bag???

Well I will hopefully be using it in other peoples houses at least weekly. Also It means that once I have my nice shelf that I can sit it in its bag on the shelf near the door and if the house is about to burn down I can grab my harddrive which has back ups of all my photos, important documents etc on it. Yay!

Check out other smiley saturdays by going to http://www.lighteningonline.com/

Have a great day all.

Twas the night...

2007-12-22T14:16:00.000-08:00

Before Chrsitmas and all through the house,

Not a speckle of dust was visable, Even under the couch.

The presents are housed in the loungeroom with care.

In hopes that it contains tomorrows mess to in there.

The children are nestled all snug in there beds,

With clean sheets and pillows under their heads,

And there bedroom is tidy, each toy in its place,

They've even been good and for new toys left a space.

Out on the lawn no weeds show there face,

To do so would certainly be a disgrace

The windows all washed and shiny clean

The curtains are showing a beuatiful sheen,

The moon, shining through them.

Lights up the hall and shows that its clear

(No toys, stray shoes or other odds that appear)

A minuture santa and 3 little reindeer

Sit in the window, so pretty and bright

Lighting up nicely for pre-christmas Night.

More rapid than eagles the mess it shall come,

In the morning, its coming, and this shall be what:

Now William and Patrick, Now Mother and father,

Off papers and cards, Off wrappers and boxes

To the top of the couch, To the end of the house,

Now toss away toss away toss away all,

As dry leaves that crackle in the flames of a fire,

The paper shall crunkle and sqaush, while we stuff it away,

So, my dust free house now covered in mess,

But full of new toys, and wild children atest

And in a twinkle, my house was transformed,

The throwing and placing, of each presents wrapper

As I turn my head round, the tears fill my eyes,

All that work and my slavery gone by the bys.

It was all perfect and clean no dust to be seen,

Our clothes all perfect and beautifully clean

What did they notice - the toys in the pack

Not my hard work or me braking my back,

Their eyes, how they twinkle. The dimples, how merry.

The cheeks just like roses, noses like cherrys

My mouth drawn down in a frown

As I know they aren't looking around.

The end of my tongue I hold in my teeth,

And the smoke, it encircles my head like a wreath,

He had a broad face and a round big old belly,

that shakes when he laughs like a tub full of jelly,

He hasn't even noticed, a right jolly ... old elf.

And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself,

He winks his eye and twists his head,

Soon I know I have something to dread,

He spoke not a word, but went straight to the tree

Where he pulls out a present, Not wrapped - for me

And laying it in my lap very carefully

he then waits - for me to open it merrily,

I peel back the bag, to the boys give a whistle,

and over they come with the spead of a missol

And I hear him exclaim, as my face hides from sight,

Merry Christmas my dear, I hope it fits alright...

Smiley Saturday

2007-12-21T22:05:00.000-08:00

I just smiled reading Smiley Saturday from http://www.lighteningonline.com and thought that I would participate this week.

My Boys in the lead up to Xmas have done lots of things to make me smile. William and I have been reading the Christmas stories each night and then talking a bit about the "real christmas" the other night I asked him who else loved him? "Jesus and Frankensence". He also has been singing along with Christmas carols. That makes me smile.

Hearing Paccy say Santa has also been interesting and makes me smile each time. Its generally not used in the correct context.

Why??

2007-12-21T03:35:00.001-08:00

Its 10.30, I've had no Nanna nap, I did an hour of GYM this morning and yet I wont let myself go to bed yet. Why I ask you do I care if the washing goes in the dryer? Why did I care that my office desk and the dining table had to be clear??? Why??

In same vague distant spec of hope that if I acheive these things tomorrow may run more smoothly. I wont yell at DH. I wont yell at the kids. I wont feel like Psycho bitch from hell. So why dont I just go back on the AD's?? Well that would take me admitinng that its my fault I am miserable. I think for the time being I will continue blaming everyone else.

Its DH's fault because he doesn't act like the man around the house. He doesn't manage me well enough. He doesn't tell me how to live. He should be making me take the AD's if I need them. Yeah right.

I want the wonderful "Head of the House" My big fat greek wedding father style. I want a husband who takes control, knows whats going on, that I and my kids need to answer to. Instead i have pathetic sniffles from the bedroom of poor sick darling. If you are sick enough to whinge take a day off work - not sick enough for that - then get the hell over it and stop whinging.

Is this washing ever going to finish???

Just checked (Again) and its down to one minute.

Shall send this, shut down the computor, take the closest thing I have to decent drugs in the house (Multivitamins) and go to bed.

Testing Blog Feeder

2007-12-19T17:13:00.000-08:00

So today I have taken the plunge and am attempting to put my blogs into a feeder??

I have no idea.

This is to test what happens when A new post comes through.

See how I go, Eh??

Selections from My Memory Vault

2007-12-17T11:54:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

Been playing with the timer on my camera :-) And the editing tools available with Paint (as in basic comes with windows paint) and Memory Manager. Put a bit of time into these and want someone/anyone to notice how good they are. THought those of you we dont keep in contact with as well as we should, may also like to see a recent pic of us all.

Amy

------------------------------------------------------------
These items were sent from Creative Memories® Memory Manager

Fw: Santa's Jigsaw

2007-12-15T02:00:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas all.

Click here: Santa's Jigsaw

Amy

4 Quick Questions and 4 Tags

2007-12-14T16:45:00.000-08:00

Thanks Lisa.

What did I accomplish this past week??

Hmm, not a lot. My house does look a bit better this morning. And I have really sore abs, which means I think I accomplished something at the Gym.

Did anything not go as planned??

Lots, the biggest being not getting to the Gym Wednesday, an aray of me not being organised and running late.

What was the highlight of your week?

Finding out that someone actually took the time to read my faithbook word for word. And that she now had a gift for me. Yay!. Closely followed by someone knows my blog exists and tagged me for meme.

Did anything exciting happen that you did not expect??

Nope, life is pretty boring.

To tag:

I think everyone I read has already been tagged, must be time to start reading more blogs, lol.

Album R/V

2007-12-12T13:24:00.000-08:00

So 4 months ago I took just as it is photos of the house. Today I am going to r/v how far we have come. I was going to do another album, but think I will just do a written r/v instead.

Comprison of then to current -

Page 1 - Overview - Other than the fact we have a different car (which is far less pretty to look at) not much different. Weeds are more overgrown. :-(

Front Yard Goals were -

Attach letter box - not done

General Tidy - was done, needs doing again.

Garden beds nice - not done

Keep lawn better or transplant - not done.

Pick up rubbish - done - needs re-doing.

Paint walls - not done.

Verandah:

Trim back vine - done - needs redoing desperatly.

Fix fence - not done

Fix concrete bareness - not done.

Add potted plants - DONE

Outdoor railway - not done, and now not wanted

Entry -

See clearly from front to back - Done, redone often, needs redoing

Dust off cobwebs, done, needs redoing.

Welcome plaque and mat - not done.

Add some sparkly stuff. Not Done.

Boys room -

Make beds more often - done (almost always).

Top bunk coverered in stuff - DONE (although now the drawers are covered in stuff instead).

Toys aren't always sorted properly - not fixed, but I am more relaxed about it now.

Only one curtain up - continues.

Clothes are sorted, but not folded - continues Also now a stack on the end of bed too.

Loungeroom-

Get rid of the clutter - done, redone often, needs doing again.

Use piaola weekly - Nope

Get new heater - not done - old one removed.

Lounge 2 minutes from visitors - mostly.

Bathroom 1 -

Alternantive bathing for boys - DONE

Windowsill clutter free - done, redone, redoing.

Lights fixed - nope

Cleaining regular and thourough - nope.

Our room -

Bed made every day - almost

No clutter on it - almost

Drawers, wardrobe clean, clear of clutter and organised - almost

Cm in order in cubes - progressed.

UCW neatly away and covered - almost always.

Linen Cupboard:

A home for everything, tidy and organised. Still progressing.

Dining room:

Clear out all the clutter - much better.

Eat at least two meals a day at table - generally one.

Make it a place we wont to be together - Hmm.

Office area -

Systems for paperwork - started, not used well.

Remove bits that dont belong - started, needs to be done again.

Homes for everything else - started.

Order to make my work time easier - NOPE.

Scrap cupboard -

This area was tidy - now it is not.

Be M friendly to encourage him - NOPE.

SIGH :-(

Kitchen -

Declutter - Partly

Clean and functional - better, but not as good as I would like.

Fresh food in fridge - more often than before, but still not as I would like.

Cat Alclove:

Sort out cupboard - nope

Old dining table for craft - nope (too much clutter on it).

Keep area tidy to not tempt the cats - nope

Regularly scrap book - nope.

Should also be noted here that the white dining table has been moved out of this area. There is now a trestle table holding the bits to be sorted. The shelves and the cupboard have also been moved. This has allowed more floor space for the boys to be available.

Backroom:

Deep clean - done.

Trains need a home - not yet

Tidy to convert to spare room - at this stage ok.

couch needs to be able to fold out - not sure have just moved the area around, will need to experiment.

Should also be noted that the train table has been removed. The dining table and my scrapping stuff has been relocated to this room. Also computor is no longer operational at all.

Bathroom 2:

Mount the dryer - DONE.

Clean the floor - Done, redone - not too bad ATM.

Move cat food and water to bookshelf - done.

Install a bath - DONE.

Maintain kitty litter regularly - almost.

Organise shelves for towells and bath toys - done (generally neat).

Back Yard:

Move swings - DONE

Fence off steps - DONE.

Remove rubbish- done, redoing necessary.

Garden bed - not done.

Lawn neat and tidy - not maintained well.

Back of house:

Adult retreat area- still a pipe dream.

Cats area-

Path with stepping stones - half done.

Pleasant place for cats and boys - not yet.

Garage - very little progress.

Car - Changed cars - outside not as pretty as previous one. Isn't maintained tidy as I would like.

I am not likely for quite a while to be able to have every area the way I want it to be maintained all at once. So my new plan is to focus on a room, area, and when I have got it to the level taht I want it to be kept at, will photograph it and put it in the album. That way I will have a record of how I want each room, and proof that I can get them there.

Now to decide on which room/ area first.

Sunday Musings

2007-12-09T02:17:00.000-08:00

Well, its 9.10pm. I have just got home from dinner with friends. I am tired, but wired on coffee. Interesting sermon this morning (another post there I think) and then quiet afternoon with family. Michael left at about 4.30 to go see a concert/comedy thing tonight at the Opera House.

William and I made some Christmas cards (I was rather impressed) and took them with us to dinner - he of course had no concept of wait till christmas so they got there presents tonight. I do hope that they enjoy the program I gave them.

Lots of thoughts racing through my head. We have just been discussing finances. I have a vague hope of completing an "What/Who I want to be" album next Friday, which means some planning.

Tomorrow I have a counsellor appointment then a Gym appointment and would like to catch up a bit on housework. We are coming up quickly to the 14th which is the day I will be re-photoing and assesing the house state.

Budget still needs some work, I am not in a great place mentally which means I really need to be more thoughtful when looking at finances.

Michael and I managed to discuss today what I want him to do re counselling for him. I know I have issues, but I think he could do with some coping mechanisms as well, he has agreed, and then our issue was cost, until he remembered that he has access to a free counsellor through work.

Tonight I would like to do a little bit of housework, something for me and then bed.

Body Age

2007-12-06T11:00:00.001-08:00

SIGH!

I went yesterday and got my body age assesed.

I am 27 in real life. My Cardio age is 28 (not too bad) my flex is 80 (EIGHTY!!) my stregnth 42. Giving me an overall age of 42. Not great, not as bad as I initially thought either. The basic results were:

Body Fat -	24.6%
Resting Pulse	76
Recovery rate	106
Reach and Stretch	-11.25
Sit Ups	32
Push Ups	15

I *should* have abody fat of 20%. My BMI (which I did elsewhere) has me right on the cusp of being underweight. I currently am 164cm tall with a weight of 51kg. Giving me a BMI of 19. To get a BMI at the top of normal for my height I need to weigh 65kg. So that my friends is my goal in the next 6 months - to put on 14kg. Woah - I just did that maths, 14kg is huge. That is more than my boys weigh (they are only 3 and 19 months and each weigh about 12kgs) I hear some of you out there (that of course is assuming that there are some of you out there) screaming WHY??? oh WHY??? would you not want to just sit on the cusp of underweight and sure it sounds good. But ..... In the next year or so we are lkooking at thinking about baby number three. (Now those of you that put on weight when pregnant dont hold this against me.) When I have fallen pregnant the last 2 times in the first trimester I lose about 10kgs - 12kgs. So if I stay a small 51 lose 10kgs, that puts me very dangerously underweight. At the end of both my pregnancys I managed to put on about 3kgs all up. Before baby was born. So in the end I lost weight. So even if I manage to survive dropping to about 40kgs, at the end of the pregnancy I would be about 48kgs, and then need to breastfeed (or should I say will choose to B/F) and will loose weight again there.

So my goal is to hit at least 60kg before falling pregnant. And then hopefully manage to maintain above 55kgs for the duration of pregnancy. Everyone tells me that the 3rd child is what ruins the figure and throws out the weigh, so maybe this time I wont be so much at risk, we shall of course see later in the new year.

Now that I have got completely sidetracked back to the whole GYM thing. I think I will start a seperate blog for keeping track of my diet and my excersise habits.

Its now 6 am and I need to get ready to get out the door.

Is Love enough??

2007-12-03T02:45:00.000-08:00

I love Michael, I know he loves me. But is that enough. We dont currently seem to have anything else (besides the kids who aren't a reason) to keep us together.

We live our lives differently - we are aiming for the same thing, but we are taking and aiming for very different roads.

I cant work out whether I am going into a depressive phase and this is the depression talking, or if it really is a concern.

I cant remember the last time we "did" something together. I mean generally (when I am in a good mood) we enjoy each others company, but he cant put me back in a good mood. Again is it that there really is an issue, or is it that I have depression and no-one would be able to put me in a good mood.

I would really like to convince myslef that I *need* him in my life, but I dont actually think I do. I mean realistically the finances are nice, but I am more than capable of doing that myself. I have just moved the entire back room of furniture around by myself (the 6 seater table is on its side, not because I cant do it alone, but because I thought I should at least make M feel useful). I manage the finances, the kids routines and myself. Half the time I manage M as well.

When I express this people usually ask me about the company and wouldn't I miss that?? But the trueth is I dont know that I would. M works such odd hours, and at least half the time when he is home we are in seperate areas, generally as I have been cranky.

I dont want to leave him by any means, however I do find it rather draining. M's love language is touch. I find after I've spent three quarters of the day with two people hanging off me, calling for me etc etc the last thing I want when I finally get a minute is to have a third in demand of my physical affection, even just a cuddle is rather draining. I think one of the reasons for this is that my love languages are words of affirmation (more the listening side of this) and physical deeds. I feel that Michael doesn't listen to me, he generally changes the subject to something about him, and physical deeds, well he never seems to know where to start or do them to a level that makes me feel like it was done in love.

My musing this morning was about acceptance of things we cant change, I accept I cant change Michael (or at least mostly I try to), but I can change the way I live and whether or not that includes Michael. Obviously he needs to be a part of the kids lives, but does he need to be a "part" of mine?? Is love on its own enough to justify that happening??

On that note I am going to bed. All I did then was ask myself more questions. Sigh.

Some profound thoughts

2007-12-02T13:39:00.000-08:00

As I stacked the dishwasher I pondered. The Serenity prayer came to mind.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Ok, so I am a bit short on the acceptance. My courage to change the things I can is going ok, My Wisdom to know the difference is seriously lacking, which I think is why I struggle with the acceptance, I haven't yet realised that they aren't in my control. Once I know the difference between what I can and cant change I beleive acceptance may be easier.

I know this is a religious basis, but I really think we can all benifit from listening to it. And I think it fits in with the FlyLady thing. And of course life in general.

So I ask you all: Have you got the wisdom to know the difference??

I know we all so desperatly think we can change those around us, but in reality it is they who have that abilty, not us. We can however set an example, give them the tools and encourage them, but in reality its not within our control to change them.

I really think with the acceptance that we cant control it, we can only contorl our own actions, that our lives will become more peaceful.

I am just as at fault of this as anyone else. I do know however that when I am accepting of the fact that I am only incontrol of so much and focus on things that I can do to make me happy, rather than relying on others I do so much better. With all aspects of my life. I also find when I focus on making me better rather than those around me (general targets are the kids, DH and my family) those around me seem to get better as well. Not sure if its just my perspective that changes, or the lack of pressure allows them to bloom.

If you stand over a flower asking it to bloom it will never happen as your shadow blocks out the sun.

Rather profound thoughts for so early in the morning.

Ok now I think I am just procrastinating. Back to work.

Amy

GRAHGH!!

2007-12-01T00:53:00.000-08:00

I am CROSS!!!

I have just got home from my party (which went well) to DH who has cooked a Heavy meal for dinner. And used 8 of the sausages (which should do at least 2 meals if not 3) and has no idea why I am cranky.

27 times I asked him to check the menu plan. I then shopped for the next 28 days to that menu plan. He has just gone and F$%^#$@%& ^&*%$%#&*$&^$%^* it up. AGAIN!!

WHY AGREE TO SOMETHING IF YOU DONT PLAN ON F$^#%^#& FOLLOWING IT.

I couldn't find the menu plan says he - Its not F%^*%^%$&^ Hard dinners are holey eggs, baked beans on toast, sandwhiches or 2 minute noodles and vegies. That is it - they are the options.

Not only that the house is a mess. No suprise there, but it doesn't help his case. I got no offer of help. And now even with me screaming and tanturming he is sitting in the lounge chatting to one of his friends who refuses to say anything more than hello to me.

I AM SO CROSS!!!

I am still cross and I had hoped typing this out would help me and it hasn't. And now I just want to burst into tears.

STUPID DEPRESSION!!!!

I hate feeling like this.

I hate it so much.

4.15am

2007-11-29T09:20:00.000-08:00

And why am I up???

Well Dh woke me as he came to bed. Sigh.

And why did I not just go back to sleep???

I dont know. But I am now up for another few minutes anyway. I have checked my email. I have also checked the bank account and it is by far better than was expected. Dh managed to get some overtime and it paid really well.

What does this mean.... a) That I wasn't half as cross with him for waking me up in the middle of the night as I may otherwise have been. b) That our budget now reads in the green till after Xmas.

I have paid a reasonable amount of the bills and will prioriotise the remaining bills tomorrow.... oh today.

Feeling much better in the world knowing that that is fixed. And that I have a plan.

Going back to bed where all the sane people are at 4.20am. Not saying I am sane, just that it might be nice to pretend.

Amy

Musings

2007-11-28T22:33:00.000-08:00

Ok,

Both boys are asleep, M has gone to work.

And what am I doing?

Nothing.

I am sitting at the computor playing mineweeper - and losing miserably.

A few weeks ago my Mum mentioned six things that she did to help her get through. Lets see if I can remember them....

1. Eat properly (including having protien early in the day)

2. Get enough rest.

3. Do something tangible just for you.

4. Talk to someone.

5. Excersise.

6. ???

So how am I going???

1. I ate breakfast - yogurt - I ate lunch - Spag bol (lots of protien) and I ate a pack of biscuts (lets just ignore that for now, lol)

2. I am resting lots today - lol.

3. Hmm - What to do??

4. Did talk and spend time with M before he went to work.

5. Does half an hour of playing the Pianola count???

Ok something tabgible just for me. Rather than sit here and procrastinate this I think I shall instead focus on getting the kitchen/dining area clean and tidy.

Will then have somewhere to set up doing something tangible just for me.

Will be back later and update.

Musings

2007-11-28T21:06:00.000-08:00

Ok,

Both boys are asleep, M has gone to work.

And what am I doing?

Nothing.

I am sitting at the computor playing mineweeper - and losing miserably.

A few weeks ago my Mum mentioned six things that she did to help her get through. Lets see if I can remember them....

1. Eat properly (including having protien early in the day)

2. Get enough rest.

3. Do something tangible just for you.

4. Talk to someone.

5. Excersise.

6. ???

So how am I going???

1. I ate breakfast - yogurt - I ate lunch - Spag bol (lots of protien) and I ate a pack of biscuts (lets just ignore that for now, lol)

2. I am resting lots today - lol.

3. Hmm - What to do??

4. Did talk and spend time with M before he went to work.

5. Does half an hour of playing the Pianola count???

Ok something tabgible just for me. Rather than sit here and procrastinate this I think I shall instead focus on getting the kitchen/dining area clean and tidy.

Will then have somewhere to set up doing something tangible just for me.

Will be back later and update.

Amys Thursday

2007-11-28T15:10:00.000-08:00

Feeling flat not sure why.

9am

Ok list was:

Fix up back room.
Catch up washing.
Fix up bills. (Cant do as rent hasn't shown up in account yet - will chase tenant.)

Have also:

Dealt with UCW orders.

Not strangled kids.

10am

Ok seem to be calming down a bit now (could be the fact that I have just peeled and chopped 2kg carrots, 1kg Zuchinni, pureed the lot and some mince.)

Dh is also up now. I will get him to help me out in the back room.

Tonight for dinner I want to have cooked potatos smothered in bacon and cheese. How do I cook the potatos for this?? I vaguely remember my sister doing them in the skins in the microwave. Even just help me with a name so I can google reciepes.

Called Tenants - left a message.

Discussed plan with DH.

DH didn't listen but I will try again soon.

Amy

Hmmm

2007-11-28T00:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, So instead of doing what I should be doing I got distracted and started reading and commenting on other peoples blogs.

Now despite the fact that I should really be fighting boys into PJs and bed I am writing myself a blog post.

Part of my homework from the counsellor today was to set up a support network of people who I keep in touch with on a regular basis and I need to be honest with them about how I am feeling.

I dont really at this point in time have anyone that I feel that I can do that with in my life. So I am wondering if perhaps I should do it through finding people in this world that wnat to read about my life and ask them for feedback. I dont want people to feel burdened by this, I do however want them to feel that if they see my drifting slowly (or even quickly) back into a hole that they either give me a slap or a hug (or possibly both) and point it out to me so I can work out the cause and try and fix it or find a better coping mechanism.

So now I guess my question is.... How do I find people to read my blog???

My original thought was after someone whos blog I commented on came over and commented on mine that that is how one finds people - trawl blogs and comment and hope they come on over. But that isn't why I want to read others blogs and comment, I also dont want people to feel obligated to comment.

Any tips hints etc out there somewhere????

Amy

I'm back

2007-11-27T22:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, Keep meaning to Blog and then forget.

So last post was Nov 14th.

Since then I have been away on my weekend. I got 5 big albums, 4 little albums, 2 flip calender albums and about 25 12" pages done.

I have also survived W's 3rd Birthday and his party.

Finances continue to be tight (really chokingly tight) and I'm continueing to fiddle budget.

I do appear to have managed to get out of my withdrawel from my AD's without killing anyone or even seriously maiming.

Saw the counsellor today and have a bit of homework, however she was happy for me to stay off meds for the moment. Have my GP appointment next Monday and will get P's jabs done at the same time.

A few things that need imediate action - such as the budget and re-enrolling boys for next year to daycare. A few other things that are currnetly being pondered. Third baby and when we may start looking at trying for that. Selling the house in Bathurst (budget issues were the initiator on that thought and now they are what are holding us back). Also vague dreams of what I want to do on the house here re making room for babies 3 and 4.

Routines and house work appear to be continueing so hopefully I can keep up the momentum. The front three rooms are in reasonable condition, providing you excuse the Bath box (that our full sized bath came in) full of clutter in the hallway.

Also I have decided to commit myself to blog on a daily basis.

Keep me on track out there.

Amy

Yay me

2007-11-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

Ok so its rather early and I have just done a Menu plan, which means that all I need to buy between now and Monday is Margarine, Hamburger Buns, loaf of bread and cheese.

I can do that with my rebate from Medicare today which means that I will have a budgett of $26, so I will be good. Then I can give DH time to think about next fortnights menu plan and do a *big* shop next Monday.

This is better for me time wise as I am leaving tomorrow for my weekend away.

It also means that I can pay out all the bills I need to tomorrow and get a budgett for the food shop to leave with DH to ponder as well.

I am trying to be more frugal with me taking responsibility of Everything. This may be a start of him taking some responsibility. I dont want him to necessarily do it, I just want him to be responsible for some of the household tasks as well. I will food shop, but I want him to be as responsible for planning and sticking to the budgett as I am.

Amy

Hmmm

2007-11-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

Ok so I had my doctor appointment for a mental health review this morning and then my counsellor appointment this afternoon.

My doctor thinks that my meds are making me anxious. So I've traded wanting to curl up in a ball and die depression for curl up in a ball and die cant breathe anxiety.

I called Dh after the appointment to see if that made sence to him as well and confirmed my thoughts about my feelings and he wasn't sure. He said he thought that anxiety would be better than depression. Or that is what I heard.

I then went to Mums, got my sister and went shopping. She said she preffered me depressed than anxious. This came out when we looking at Xmas presents for the boys and I couldbn't decide or commit to a present cause I couldn't find two similar items in identically sized boxes. Rationally I know how screwed up that makes me, but in the moment I couldn't help but stressing over it.

Counsellor was long and tiring again with no real answers. Not without changing DH or his job. I need to work on that with Dh which is hard.

All in all a long draining day - however at least now I know why I have had several episodes of hyperventilation and a sincere desire to hide because I am scared rather than sad.

Doctor has taken me off my AD's, I am to stay off them for two weeks, then see my counsellor assess how I am travelling and if I need to fill a script for a different AD and then follow up with GP the week after that.

So girls lets see how I go.

Amy

Plodding

2007-11-12T20:58:00.000-08:00

Dh walked in the door just after I sent the last email.

I have been with him and got some wipper snipper wire, lunch, and pavers for the back yard.

I then vacuumed the front door and entrance way thus removing all the spiderwebs out there.

While I was doing that the "parcel man" came and delivered me some CM stuff. Way quick, I only ordered yesterday. So of course then I got distracted by that. I pulled out one of the album kits and looked at it, then started planning my christmas letter/album on the puter. Then planned out dads calender album. I need Dh to check both of them for me and then I can take them tomorrow to get printed. I also need to print 3 copies of my train album, and August pics, which somehow got missed the other day.

I also need to go to the library at 4pm and check if their computors will work and teh room for a workshop I plan on teaching next year in January.
Then get the boys, come home dinner, usual evening bits etc.

Dh still doesn't know what he is working tomorrow, SIGH! So I am not sure where I will be up to tomorrow. My vague plan (assuming DH has to work) is to get boys ready, out the door, me to doctors by 10.45am. Then the boys and I will go to Katoomba, put in photos for developing, go to Mums for lunch. I will leave boys there, go to counsellor, go to medicare, pick up pictures, retreive boys, come home. Usual evening bits.

Thursday will need to be an at home day catching up on washing and other stash and dash bits from this morning.

Friday I head off for my crop. Yay!

I think we are going to need to postpone Penrith Meet as I will not be ready packing wise to leave early and I need to be at the retreat at 4pm to pay and help set up. Bit sad about that.
Ok as W says "Sounds like a plan? Yeah"
Amy

__,_._,___

Hmm House work or photos??

2007-11-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

Ok so my guests (all 3 of them, lol and sigh at once) have left.

They did take some of the clothes of my rack. Am thinking I will from now till the end of december at all my parties have everything at half price off the rack.

I need to drop around some refund money but otherwise no business bits to do.

I had a heap of food out so I need to pack that up. Changed my mind about dinner and am thinking of doing something with CC's or Pretzels any hints out there???

I will freeze some of the muffins that I made for later.

Everything else the boys and I will consume over time.

I have checked my appointement time for tomorrow.

Thinking I will do photos and then come back and do housework.

Amy

Re: Humph (doesn' seem so bad this morning)

2007-11-08T13:39:00.001-08:00

Ok so I am up showered boys are breakfasted. I've sent an essay in reply to an email that I was a little offended by on another group. Decided at the end of it I really need to start practicing what I preach - lol. Now to get to my list that I wrote last night.

Budgett attacked - from the 28th we are back in the Green, just need to work out how I can push those last little bits of red to then instead of earlier.

Boys room done. Wiped down grot off the wall in room as well.

Found hallway, now clear or near enough anyway.

Lounge is a bit trickier as the washing is not dry on the airers and the reason it looks so bad is that the couch is two airers out from the wall instead of just one. Removed rubbish and dirty clothes. Just need the washing to dry to complete in there.

Tidy some in my room. (Define some.... I did about two minutes, but that is some isn't it??)

That is all. (Loved reading that on Corinnes list this morning).

I also now need to go to the post office and the bank. And I will just potter through the rest of the house.

Amy

Going on a hunt

2007-11-07T14:47:00.000-08:00

Thanks all.

Need to check the back of the car. That means shoes. Sigh.

Found shoes - comfortable warm and matching. Now I need socks.

Open sock drawer - almost burst into tears - about 50 socks, none in pairs. Pair socks that can be, throw rest in a drawer that I dont normally go in. Vow to write a Xmas wish list for myself this year and have on it socks.

Phone rings - get distracted by that. Sigh.

Back to attempting to get to the car.

Seperated kids on the way. Gave out more books.

Got to car. Cleaned out rubbish. Moved pile of stuff to some inside to boot - will go back with a basket later. Found half of boys clothing, but no paperwork.

Sat checked email for some inspiration. Sigh.

Ok going to sort through all the paperwork bits floating and put them away and hopefully it will turn up.

Amy

Tuesday

2007-11-05T13:21:00.000-08:00

Well its just after 8. My three boys are asleep. M and W got home, umm after 10. P and i didn't go to bed till about 10 either. So I shall let them continue to nap. When they do get up the boys are heading to daycare today.

I plan on pottering through and doing the floors and a general house blessing.

The kitchen dining areas aren't too bad - although my office bench is awful, the lounge and hall are 5 minutes and vacuuming, the same in the boys and my room, the back room is looking rather UGH, but I think its only 15 minutes away too. Might go potter out there so as to not encourage boys to wake up just yet.

Amy

Amys Ramblings

2007-11-04T17:11:00.000-08:00

Followed Sundays plan. The amended plan made on Sat night anyway.

We went to church, picked up my sister dropped her home. Went to the housewarming/engagement party.

Dh picked up an overtime shift and was invited (we all were, but I declined) to lunch.

Church sermon was about relationships esp Maratial ones and was just what I needed. Will try and talk with DH about my follow on thoughts today.

Feeling like church may be the answer to some of my issues. So we will go again next week and then the fortnight after that. DH has Sundays off for November and we can all go. With the excpetion of the weekend I am away.

Dh is also off today so he is currently making a picnic lunch to take to Zig Zag and we will go for a ride on the rail motor.

Then I need to go to the post office. Budgett is working ok so far. We have food, a menu plan and no money left to impulse buy takeaway which wont hurt us.

Will potter through some housework when we get home.

Amy

Plan

2007-11-03T04:33:00.001-07:00

Ok so I cant even decide on a subject line. Have done now. I am feeling really low and confused and strugling. Have spent most of the day resisting the urge to curl up and hide. Asked DH to drive home via a friends church today so we could see what time the family thing is tomorrow. He asked of I had the religion bad (I think I've been to church maybe a dozen times in the 7 years we've been together and 4 of them were the weekend of a funeral, they weren't ever just the sake of going to church). Then he asked if it was just to get out of the house? To which I answered yes. But its more than that. I need something to pick me up. Dont know if church or religion is it, but its worth a try. At the moment anything is worth a try.

Plan of action:

Type this email and send.

Go to bed.

Tomorrow as discussed with W in the car on the way home tonight:

Get up

Breakfast.

Eat slice (leftover desert that he brought home from freinds for dinner tonight)

Church/Sunday school.

Pick up Jessie

Throw her to Dotti (My words were - throw her out at Dottis - meaning drop her off)

Go to visit Milly and Josh at Penrith.

I need to add in - usual morning bits. hang out load of washing. walk to church if its fine (although by the sounds I hear at the minute we will be driving)

Pack album for Mum.

something easy for dinner.

Ask DH to please tidy house (high priority kitchen path to my bed and lounge.) while we are out before he goes to work.

Am thinking now that perhaps going to Penrith tomorrow on my own isn't a wise idea. Will see how I am feeling tomorrow after church. Might send M and boys to get J and drop her home and do the housework myself. Need to get over the guilt of letting down Jodie if I do it that way though.

Sleep now, stress tomorrow.

Amy

5 Year goal review.

2007-10-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

First I need to re-visit my dreams.

A while back (like 3 months ago I think) I wrote my 5 year dreams.

Own my house. (As in no money owing). Slowly progressing that way, could budgett a bit better to help it along though.

UCW Manager with a strong team. Getting there with this too, need 2 more recruits, one very serious potential at the moment, and need 8 parties a month.

CM - Regular workshops and My albums up to date. Hmm, forgot about this.

Nursing - Gone. DONE!

M's work - 6 week in advance roster. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

4 happy healthy kids. Have 2 happy healthy kids and still have the ability to have 2 more, plenty of time to fit them in the next five years.

Wardrobe full of the latest fashion clothes. DONE! Will need to continue updating it oh monthly ROFL.

No Money owing on anything (ie no personal loans, no CC's), Again need to fix budgett.

PND well controlled to the point of being gone. No - but well and truely working on it.

Freinds to dinner weekly. No, but probably more than they used to be so progression is happening.

Annual Family holidays. Budgett needs a revamp for this.

Great relationship with M (talk more, laugh more listen more. DONE that much in that its more, still needs more work.)

Good relationship with my family. Trying.

Butterfly tattoo. Still in consideration.

Purple VW Bug. As a second car just for me and my work.

Big family car. DONE. (While not done deliberatly its been done, will need redoing in the next five years though.)

Time for me away monthly. Progressing that way. Have my weekend away booked next month.

Cleaner to maintain housework. Progressing that way. Sister/Mum is coming once a fortnight alternatively and doing the floors, mainting most things well otherwise.

Close babysitter to watch the kids in my house. Found a potential one, just need to book her and trial it.

Top five points that need addressing:

Budgett.

8 Parties a month.

Trial of babysitter.

Time for me.

Maintain better relationship with M.

Top five things I can do right now to help me:

Write up a budget for next fortnight.

Text Collection club number to L.

Look in diary and call S.

Give M a cuddle and kiss.

__,_._,___

Cat Run

2007-10-09T03:20:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying We have 7 cats.

We also have a yard that backs onto bush.

In our old house the cats had full run of the house all the time.

I found that they were "bad" in lots and lots of places.

When we moved into this house I decided that they were no longer aloud full run of the house.

We have an Arch between the kitchen that really wasn't conducive to doors and I didnt want something that would obstruct my space to make room for CM crops (about 3 or 4 trestle tables).

So we have a catmax net (really strong designed for cats not real obvious net www.catmax.com.au )that works like a vertical blind. It is weighted at the bottom and has 50 little hooks down the side that are attatched when its down.

Also when it is down we have a zipper down the middle of it so we can go through without the rigmoral of putting it up and down.

We also have this netting in the backyard enclosing an area about three times the size of a normal carport. THey have a carport in the net to play in outside and keep them dry.

They also have a flap in the wall to let them inside to the netted in part of the house.

Amy

__._,_.___

Volunteers Wanted

2007-08-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

I would really like some feedback on this whole idea and 2 or 3 Guinea Pigs to experiment on.

So my Idea is this:

My goal is to positively impact on people and their lives by helping them to see where they are, where they want to be and devising a plan to move there.

To this end I am planning on taking one day a week to focus on individuals and map out their current life in an album. Map out where they wish they could take their life and then help them work out a plan.

I plan on doing a similar album with each participant as I did for myself. 160 photo's uncut of their life. I think I originnally took about 300 and planned it out for the 160 in the album. The time frame on this is about 2 -3 hours.

Then I would like to do an album with the goals that they would like to acheive. This of course will vary from person to person in time, but I imagine between 1 and 3 hours.

Then a plan. This again will vary but envisage myself getting them started with an hour of coaching and then they can move from there.

The total costing for myself to do this was - $202.

This doesn't factor in my time.

It would of course be possible to do it with cheaper albums than what I used but I'd prefer people did it with good albums.

I would love some thoughts back on this.

I would also love 3 people in the mountainsish (Orange - Sydney area) that would be willinging to let me experiment the project on them at a cost of $50. I really need to get my name out and also practice on people not paying full price so if this interests you please email me at amgrantham@aapt.net.au

Thanks all,

Amy

Swings Moved

2007-08-27T22:50:00.000-07:00

I decided a while back that I wanted the boys to utilise outside a bit more. Now what this means is that they can play on the swings. However, the swings were in our cat area and underneath was disgusting with Cat Poo.

Today M and I have moved the swings to under the clothes line (which I never use anyway, lol) and now the boys will be able to play in the back yard while I sit at my scrapping table.

YAY!!

New Bits

2007-08-27T22:43:00.001-07:00

WELL, FINALLY.

My new business cards (1000), Magnets (25 CM and 50 General), A stamp, Personalised Post It notes and some (250) business cards for M came today.

So I now have loads of multi - business Business cards. This means I have no excuss to not give someone my details when I see them.

How exciting.

Tuesday Morning TaDa's

2007-08-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

Got up. Before 7 am YAY!!
Finished last nights evening routine.
- Load of washing on.
- Clear dining room table.
- Pakced Daycare bags.

Morning routine.
- Breakfast for us all together.
- Brush Boys Teeth.
- Made All beds.
- Dress Boys.
- Shower.
- Me dressed.
- Hang out load of washing.
- Wipe Down Table.

Finished Cat Album so boys could take it and share it at daycare.
Took Boys to Daycare.
Cleaned Lounge. (Vacuumed, Dusted, removed all bits that don't belong in there.)
Vacuumed Hall.
Vacuumed spiderwebs from front entry way outside.
Trimmed Back the hedge attacking the steps.
Vacuumed bathroom.
Dealt with Business call.
Vacuumed Kitchen floor.
Phoned Bank to postpone mortgage payment a few days.
Got distracted by Tupperware catalogue. Placed Tupperware order.

Not a bad Morning. M should be home shortly and we shall go to the bank. Then have lunch out together and come home and do some more photo sorting.

Amy

Tuesday 29th

2007-05-28T04:16:00.000-07:00

Plan of action for tomorrow:

Tonight:
Put away washing off my bed.
Put out clothes for boys tomorrow.
Put out clothes for me.
Evening routine.

Tomorrow:
Put away rest of shopping.
Put away washing on Dining room table
Put away rest of stuff on dining room table/floor.
power layout album for Fri.
Organise Wedding Album stuff.
Dishwasher.
Sink.
Something easy for dinner - Creamed corn on toast.
Some time in back room.
Go to BIL's and have a bath.

DH:
Get boys to daycare - B/fast/dress etc.
Feed Cats.
Go and buy cat tins.
Clean out car.
Help me power layout album for Fri.

update on Mon 28th list

2007-05-28T04:15:00.000-07:00

TONIGHT
Put away washing mum folded. DONE
Munchkins cuddled on couch. DONE
Greys Anatomy.DONE
Electric Blanket on.DONE

TOMORROW: Monday.

Evening routine. Will do tonight.
Tidy kitchen. DONE – found benches, wiped benches, threw all the dishes into the sink – dishwasher already on will stack shortly again, wiped out microwave, cleaned in behind microwave, wiped down kids eating area, swept floor, reorganised cd player and stuff on that side so it looks tidier – is tidier as well, but now importantly it looks it.
Load of washing.one in machine one on line (that DH had left in machine yesterday)
Or 2. DONE – currently on the line – first load in to be put away still.
Pack party packs. *3 (post one deliver other 2). Not going to get out to post office today. That would involve getting dressed. Too comfy in my pj’s.
Get Postage costs on Plum Album. DONE at the online post office.
Get Printer out of car. DONE
Air kit. DONE

Make appointment for Paccy – Injections and Legs. Wed 6th. 2.15 Kat.
21 minutes in back room.
Put together double shelf for bench office. DONE (well sort of, emptied the already together double shelf, onto the floor Shh, and used it instead.)

Feed cats.DONE!

Bfast kids. DONE – Weetbix and sultanas.
Morning Tea – Banana Muffins.DONE.
Lunch kids and me. – Something with potatao’s – No potatos they needed using – a few days ago – Dim Sims steamed in the microwave instead.

Sort through ucw delivery (my new stuff YAY.) DONE – new Pj’s for me, and new top. Also 4 new tops for my kit.

OTHER THINGS:
Changed boys.
Lit Heater. (takes about 20 Minutes).
Dressed William.
Checked emails.
Challanged myself only to realise its already on the list. SHE!
Cleaned up cat food tins and mess and tok out to bin.
Made my bed.
Called Mum.
Called M – what time you be home – 4pm.
Washed my good coat - smelled like smoke thanks to party the other night. Humph!!

To Dos Mon 28th

2007-05-27T02:49:00.001-07:00

TONIGHT
Put away washing mum folded.
Munchkins cuddled on couch.
Greys Anatomy.
Electric Blanket on.

TOMORROW: Monday.

Evening routine.
Tidy kitchen.
Load of washing.
Or 2.
Pack party packs. *3 (post one deliver other 2).
Get Postage costs on Plum Album.
Get Pinter out of car.
Air kit.

Make appointment for Paccy – Injections and Legs.
21 minutes in back room.
Put together double shelf for bench office.

Feed cats.

Bfast kids.
Morning Tea – Banana Muffins.
Lunch kids and me.
Sort through ucw delivery (my new stuff YAY.)

11:35 Tuesday May 22

2007-05-21T18:36:00.000-07:00

Well it took forever to get organised this morning. Fortunately my workshop lady isn't coming esp. as its now after 11.30 and she would have been here at 10.30.

Boys and I didn't get up till 9.30. Boys got to day care at 11.o0.

I have now written a list of todos and sort of added in tadas. Will update as I go.

Kind of prioritised.

Laundry. (sorted into first,second, towels and later)(first load on).
Eat something (more than just ice cream.)
dishes.
Clean kitchen

Pack Catalogues for tonight - pack enough for two party's and then I wont need to do again tomorrow.
Shower.
Find PJ's for boys.

Attend Learning Ladder Party 2pm.

Finish Lounge.
tidy dining table.
tidy floor in my room .DONE
Attend Daycare board meeting.
Go and do UCW party.
Clean out car.
remember to ask people about Pie drive.
Photo copy sheet to take to work on the weekend.
fix up cats.
tidy dining room floor.
tidy bathroom. (Floor Done)
Swish and swipe bathroom.
food shop (shampoo, bread, milk,
sink.
benches (could of sworn I found them the other day).

Todays Random Thoughts

2007-05-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

Well DH and I for a change have been getting to bed at the same time.

I have really been waking up a different Person. We talk and cuddle and fool around like we used to do all the time, but now don't seem to do very much at all.
It's funny on Thursday night I had a really odd dream about an ex-boyfriend and how much I missed the friendship with him after we broke up. I realised that we had really lost that friendship well before we actually broke up.

I woke up really teary and clingy to DH because I realised that what I hated most about "US" at the moment was that we had lost our friendship.

Well whether he picked up on it, or my change in attitude was all it took we seem to have rekindled that friendship over the last few nights.

Hopefully it will continue when our lives go back to normal. Boys in our bed and generally not going to bed at the same time.

Amy

My Million Dollar Spending Spree

2007-05-17T02:33:00.000-07:00

What would you do with a Million Dollars??

I will buy DH serious shares in a train company so he only needs to work 9.30 to 5pm everyday.
I would also cut my days at the NH back to one a week.
Enroll the boys for a second day a week at daycare. (individually so I had one on one time with each of them).
Hire a cleaner.
Buy the boys a new wardrobe each.
Buy a Bath and have it installed.
Buy a new light/heater lamp for the bathroom.
Build my extension. (New master bedroom, Scrap booking den, Train room for DH).
Hmm what else??

I don't know what else I'd do.